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neacpa
sorry no time take the >> out.

Hello?"
>>"Hi honey. This is Daddy.Is Mommy near the phone?"
>>"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
>>Paul."
>>After a brief pause,
>>Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
>>Paul."
>>"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with
>>Mommy, right now."
>>Brief Pause.
>>"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put
>>the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on
>>the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car
>>just pulled into the driveway."
>>"Okay, Daddy, just a minute."
>>A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the
>>phone.
>>"I did it, Daddy."
>>"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
>>"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with
>>no clothes on, then she ran around screaming. Then
>>she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
>>and now she isn't moving at all!"
>>"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
>>"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He
>>was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
>>and into the swimming
>>pool. I guess he didn't know that you took out the
>>water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the
>>pool and I think he's dead."
>>***Long Pause***
>>
>>***Longer Pause***
>>***Even Longer Pause***
>>
>>Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?............Is this 486-5731?"
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Comments

200 comments

Date Votes
  • neacpa
    A grandfather was eating breakfast with his 10 year old granddaughter when he asked if she knew what tomorrow was. Without skipping a beat, she replied "Yes, it's Presidents Day". She is smart, so he asked, "And do you know what that means?" She answered, "Yep, sure do.".

    Waiting, he expected something thoughtful about Reagan, Clinton, Bush or Obama. Instead she continued, "Well, it is when President Obama sticks his head out of the White House and if he sees his shadow, we have another year of cow cookies!".
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  • neacpa
    What do you call a lesbian dinosaur????
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  • neacpa
    The zip code in Washington, D. C., is being changed to 00000. Nothing there adds up, anyway.
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  • neacpa
    THE WOMAN POEM:



    Before I lay me down to sleep,
    I pray for a man who's not a creep.
    One who's handsome, smart, and strong.
    One who loves to listen long.
    One who thinks before he speaks.
    One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
    I pray he's rich and self-employed,
    And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
    Will pull out my chair and hold my hand.
    Massage my feet and help me stand.
    Oh, send a king to make me queen.
    A man who loves to cook and clean.
    I pray this man will love no other.
    And relish visits with my mother.





    THE MAN POEM:


    I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac gymnast with
    big boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
    and loves to send me hunting, fishing and drinking.
    This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a chit.
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  • neacpa
    A Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man wearing a
    turban, who was eating fresh shrimp.

    Every time he ate one, he spat the tail in her direction, requiring her
    to deflect it.

    Eventually, she had enough, and pulled the Emergency Cord.

    The Muslim looked at her and said, "You'll get fined $250 for doing that,
    you stupid Catholic b---h."

    She laughed and said, "When I cry out rape and they smell your fingers,
    you'll get 10 years, you towel headed camel-humper."
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  • neacpa
    After an evening having sex with a new lover a man looks on her nightstand and notices a picture of a man, worried he asks her:

    "Is that your husband?"

    "No" she answers "I'm not married"

    "Is that your boyfriend?"

    "No, till tonight I haven't been seeing any one"

    "Is that your brother?"

    "No, I'm an only child"

    Then finally he ask "May I ask who that is?"

    She answers.....










    Wait for it.......











    "That's me before the surgery"
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  • neacpa
    A couple was
    invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.

    So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.

    Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

    His wife
    sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished ,naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.

    So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

    She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." "Did you dance much ?" "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there,
    I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."
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  • neacpa
    A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with neckties laid out on it.

    The Arab said, "My thirst is killing me. Please do you have water?". The Jew replied "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes". The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need your overpriced tie. I need water!"

    "OK" said the old Jew, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie. I will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that hill to the east for about 4 miles you will find a very nice restaurant. Go! Walf that way. THe restaurant has all the water you can drink."

    The Arab staggered away toward the hill and disappeared. Eight hours later the Arab came crawling back to the Jewish mans table. The Jew said "I told you the restaurant with the water is over the hill. Could you not find it?"

    "I found it" the Aarab rasped "But your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie!" Gunn Landry


    "Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they've made a difference...The Marines don't have that problem" Ronald Reagan
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  • neacpa
    I had to clean it up a little.....

    Whores & Hockey Players.
    A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The
    very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads
    of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says
    he'll ask his manager about it.

    Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager,
    "Some " A hole" wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
    As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right
    behind him, So he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy
    the other half."

    The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the
    manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself
    out of that situation earlier.
    We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

    'Canada, sir,' the boy replied.
    "Well, why did you leave Canada ?" the manager asked.

    The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.'
    'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada '

    'No " Sttt?" replied the boy.
    'Who'd she play for?'

    [:D]
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  • neacpa
    THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE

    The Parking Ticket
    Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
    Well, for example,
    the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
    We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
    When we came out, there was a cop writing out
    a parking ticket.
    We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving
    a senior citizen a break?'
    He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
    I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started
    writing another ticket for having worn tires.
    So my wife called him a poop-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

    Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and the car had an Obama sticker.
    We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
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  • neacpa
    Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
    Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"
    Customer says, "Female"
    Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"
    Customer says, "White"
    Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"
    Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"
    Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up."
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  • neacpa
    The first time I read this quote, I thought it was
    Dangerously true. Then I really started pondering it and thought how would
    This apply to our own lives/careers? Let's look at it again to see how
    Absurd it is.

    * You couldn't get a job at McDonalds and
    Become district manager
    After 143 days of experience.

    * You couldn't become chief of surgery
    After 143 days of experience of being a surgeon.

    * You couldn't get a job as a teacher and be
    The superintendent after 143 days of experience.

    * You couldn't join the military and become a
    Colonel after a 143 days of experience.

    * You couldn't get a job as a reporter and
    Become the nightly news anchor after 143 days of experience.

    BUT....
    * 'From the time Barack Obama was sworn in
    As a United State Senator, to the time he announced he was forming a
    Presidential exploratory committee, he logged 143 days of experience in the
    Senate.

    * That's how many days the Senate was
    Actually in session and working.

    * After 143 days of work experience, Obama
    Believed he was ready to be Commander In Chief,
    Leader of the Free World, and fill the shoes of Abraham
    Lincoln,FDR, JFK and Ronald Reagan. 143 days?

    We all have to start somewhere. The senate is a
    Good start, but after 143 days, that's all it is - a start.

    AND, strangely, a large sector of the American
    Public seems to feel comfortable with this and
    Are campaigning for him.

    We wouldn't accept this in our own line of work,
    Yet some are OK with this
    For the President of the United States of America?
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  • neacpa
    The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper. St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have pass it before you can get into Heaven." Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here , St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was." St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

    First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
    Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
    Third: What is God's first name?"

    Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

    Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow." The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer.

    How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?" "Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd. . ." "Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind.....but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too.

    Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"? "Sure" Forrest replied, "its Andy." Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?" "Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song. . . ."ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . ."

    St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."


    The gene pool needs chlorine.
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  • neacpa
    a farmer walked into a bar,ordered a beer ,got a smoke out but had no lighter. the bartend gave him one from a huge lighter behind the counter. the farmer ask where he got that lighter? the bartend answered,from the genie in that bottle over there. the farmer picked the bottle up and out popped the genie,sayingyou have 1 wish. the farmer replied i want a million bucks.the genie said go home and find your wish.the farmer drove as fast as he could and when he arrived home he seen a million white ducks all over his farm,he turned around and went back to town and told the bartend ,hey , i said a million bucks not ducks. the bartend said ,you don't think i ask for a 12 inch bic do ya[:D]
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  • neacpa
    Subject: the rabbit





    A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit
    jump out across the middle of the road.

    He swerves to avoid hitting it,
    but unfortunately the rabbit
    jumps right in front of the car.

    The driver, a sensitive man
    as well as an animal lover,
    pulls over and gets out to see
    what has become of the rabbit.
    Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.

    The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

    A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway
    sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
    She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

    "I feel terrible," he explains,
    "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

    The blonde says, "Don't worry."

    She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
    She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit,
    bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

    The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them
    and hops off down the road.

    Ten feet away the rabbit stops,
    turns around and waves again,
    he hops down the road another 10 feet,
    turns and waves, hops another ten feet,
    turns and waves, and repeats this again
    and again and again,
    until he hops out of sight.

    The man is astonished.

    He runs over to the woman and demands,
    "What is in that can?
    What did you spray on that rabbit?"

    The woman turns the can around
    so that the man can read the label.

    It says...



    (Are you ready for this?)




    (Are you sure?)




    (This is bad!)





    (It's not even a Blonde Joke!)





    (You know you could just click off
    and not read the punch line....)







    (You can still delete it)





    (You know you're gonna be sorry)







    (Last chance)



    (OK, here it is)



    It says,


    "Hair Spray -
    Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."



    Larry
    runroom_x.gif
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  • neacpa
    A man is running down his hallway after he heard a bump in the night, all of a sudden out of no where a man appears. Not having time to raise his weapon the man if forced to surrender to the intruder.
    CLICK!, the man turns around and sees the indtruder racking the slide and ejecting a steel cased round, raises up and CLICK, by then the man had tooken the intuders weapon away and a round did go off(finnaly) striking the intruder in the head killing him. (though seemeing afuwl dirty)
    Years later when the man dies he is in heaven asking God some questions he has always wanted to know one of them being, "why when the intruder broke into my house, you kept the rounds from going off and WHY? were they so dirty."
    God simply replied," Oh no, it was not me... (look down)






























































    It was Wolf[:D][:D]
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  • neacpa
    A city fellow went to a dude ranch out west. He was asking one of the resident cowboys about his attire. "Why do you guys wear those big hats?" "Well" replied the cowboy, "the big hat is to keep the sun off our face and neck during a long day in the saddle."
    "Why does your shirt have snaps instead of buttons?" The cowboy replied "If we get up in the brush, and the limbs catch our clothes, the snaps will come unsnapped, whereas if we had buttons, the brush would tear the buttons off."
    "I undertand, but why are all you guys wearing tennis shoes instead of cowboy boots?" asked the dude. "Oh," replied the cowboy, "that's so no one will mistake us for a truck driver."
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  • neacpa
    Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy
    > >Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at
    > >the
    > >table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue
    > >playing standing up.
    > >
    > >Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to
    tell
    > >Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"
    > >
    > >They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to
    be
    > >discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
    > >
    > >"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion
    > >is
    > >me middle name. Leave it to me."
    > >
    > >Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs.
    Murphy
    > >answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares: "Your husband just
    lost
    > >$500 and is afraid to come home."
    > >
    > >"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.
    > >
    > >"I'll go tell him," says Gallagher

    [:D]
    Ben
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  • neacpa
    A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man say, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man say, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This beocmes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offed me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll alwasy be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs..
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  • neacpa
    This is for my buddy that wont talk to me[:o)][:D]




    NEVER CHOKE IN A RESTAURANT IN ARKANSAS

    Two hillbillies walk into a DairyQueen. While having a
    couple of DQ Blizzards, they talk privately about their moonshine
    operation.

    Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table,eating a chicken
    sandwich, begins to cough.

    After a while, it becomes apparent that she is in real
    distress.

    One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya
    swallar?"

    The woman shakes her head no.

    "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, eyes
    widen and shakes her head no.

    The hillbilly strolls over to the woman, lifts up the
    back of her dress, yanks down her panties and quickly gives her
    right butt cheek a long lick with his tongue.

    The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and
    the obstruction flies out of her mouth. She begins to
    breathe again, the hillbilly ambles smugly back to his table.

    His buddy says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind
    Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it.
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  • neacpa
    A woman went to her Health Maintenance Organization. After
    about 15 minutes with one of the new doctors, she went
    screaming down the hall. Another doctor stopped and asked
    her what the problem was and she explained.

    The second doctor went back to the first and said, "What's
    the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old. She has
    four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told
    her she was pregnant?"

    The new doctor simply smiled and said,
    "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
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  • neacpa
    quote:

    Barack Obama, at a recent rural elementary school assembly in
    South Carolina, asked the audience for total quiet.

    Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every
    few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

    Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my
    hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'

    Then, little Darrell, with a proud South Carolina drawl, pierced the
    quiet and said: "Well, dumb ass, stop clapping!"
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  • neacpa
    quote:
    A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbors male dog at her house while they were away on vacation. She had a large house however and believed that she could keep them apart.

    As she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.

    She was unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next. Although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

    Having explained the problem to him, the vet said.. "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw."

    "Do you think that will work?" she asked.

    "It just worked for me" he replied .
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  • neacpa
    There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor.

    The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea!"

    The little guy thinks "GHEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."

    So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. All the while thinking, " Why shouldn't I be at the bar if I want to?"

    About and hour later he returns to the bar and walks up behind the big dude and --"WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big fellow off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears!"
    0
  • neacpa
    A man approaches a young lady at a bar and says:

    'Gee, you remind me of my little toe.'

    She giggles, and asks:

    'Is that because I'm so small and cute.'

    'No', he replies.

    'It's because I think I'm gonna get drunk tonight and bang you on the coffee-table.'
    0
  • neacpa
    A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit,
    so he asks the biker his name.

    'Fred,' he replies.

    'Fred what?' the officer asks.

    'Just Fred,' the man responds.

    The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

    The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

    The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson.
    I studied hard and got good grades.

    When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

    Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

    Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

    Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

    Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

    Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

    The officer walked away in tears, laughing
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  • neacpa
    The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary
    school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.


    The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of
    the word "tragedy." So the illustrious Rev. Jackson asks the class for an
    example of a "tragedy." One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best
    friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor
    comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."


    "No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."


    A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove
    over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.'


    I'm afraid not, "explains the exalted Reverend Al. That's what we would
    call a great loss."


    The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.


    Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me
    an example of a tragedy?"


    Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern
    voice he says: 'If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton
    were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.'


    "Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right. And can you
    tell me why that would be a tragedy?"


    "Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure wouldn't be a great
    loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."
    0
  • neacpa
    One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh please,excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I"m blind & can't see."

    "That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

    "Well, I really don't know," replied the bunny. "I'm blind and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

    So the snake felt the bunny all over, and said, "Well, you're soft and cuddly, and you have long silky ears and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!"

    The bunny replied, "I can't thank you enough! But by the way, what kind of animal are you?" The snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny
    agreed to examine him.

    When the bunny was finished, the snake asked, "Well, what kind of an animal
    am I?"

    The bunny had felt the snake all over, and replied, "You're soft, you're cold, you're slippery and you haven't got any balls. You must be a Democrat."
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  • neacpa
    Salaam alaikum,

    Here's a good one. No offence to anyone, ok?

    A man dashes into the Pope's office, panting, gasping, and trying to speak all at once.

    "What's the matter?" the Pope asks, offering the man a seat.

    "Oh your Grace!" the man exclaims, flopping on the chair. "I have good news and I have bad news. Which would you like to hear first?"

    "Give me the good news," the Pope says.

    "Oh your Grace! JESUS is on the phone and he wants to speak to you!" the panting man exclaims.

    "Praise the Lord!" the jubilant Pope replies, "What could the bad news possibly be?"

    "Your Grace, he's calling from Mecca!" [:D][}:)]
    [:D]
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  • neacpa
    Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE.*

    CASHIER: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR?*

    Cowboy: NAH... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!!*
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