Joke Of The Day
Garfield has it right!
0
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An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun
in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:
"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere
and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
the waiter
"Want coffee."
The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto! ll
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about,
anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says .
"Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
leave mess for others to clean up,
disappear for rest of day.0 -
Living Will
Last night, my wife and I were sitting
in the living room talking about many things.
The idea of a living will came up and I said
to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative
state, dependent on some machine and fluids
from a bottle. If I ever come to that just
pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV and then
threw out my beer.
Bitch.....0 -
MY FORGETTER!! My forgetter's getting better But my rememberer is broke To you that may seem funny But, to me, that is no joke For when I'm "here" I'm wondering If I really should be "there" And, when I try to think it through, I haven't got a prayer! Often times I walk into a room, Say, "what am I here for?" I wrack my brain, but all in vain A zero, is my score. At times I put something away Where it is safe, but, Gee! The person it is safest from Is, generally, me! When shopping I may see someone, Say "Hi" and have a chat, Then, when the person walks away I ask myself "who was that?" Yes, my forgetter's getting better While my rememberer is broke, And it's driving me plumb crazy And that isn't any joke. CAN YOU RELATE??? Please send this to everyone you know because... I DON'T REMEMBER WHO I SENT THIS TO . 0 -
A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.
"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"
She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"
He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.
"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"0 -
I'm reaching out because a friend of mine needs some help !!!!
His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help
him get an erection.
When he came back, he tossed her some diet pills.
Anyway, he's looking for a place to live.0 -
Repairing a Marriage Thru Counseling ;-)
A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'
The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'0 -
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in PITTSBURGH.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hootch and got completely smashed.
The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover!
NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bud says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well there's just one thing."
"What's that?"
"Have you farted yet?"
"No "
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver0 -
Some may find this one amusing:
quote:A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes strides toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an jerk!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir."
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for jerk?"
"Well, sir, you know your client better than I do."0 -
A young man goes into the Job Center in Jacksonville, Florida,
and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist' s Assistant.
Interested, he goes to learn more - 'Can you give me some more
details?' he asks the clerk.
The clerk pulls up the file and says, 'The job entails getting the
ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of
their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private
regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in
soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have
to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620 miles from here.'
'Oh, is that where the job is?'
'No sir - that's where the end of the line is right now.'
[:D][:D][:D]0 -
A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool
> he noticed that the bartender was a robot.
>
> The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"
>
> The man thought a moment then replied? "A martini please."
>
> The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the
> man had ever had.
>
> The robot then asked, "sir, what is your IQ?"
> The man answered "oh, about 164 "
>
> The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity',
> inter-stellar space travel', 'the latest medical break throughs',
etc......
>
> .
> The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would
> try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot
> clicked and asked what he would have? "A Martini please."
>
> Again it was superb.? The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?"
>
> This time the man answered , "Oh about 100". So the robot started
> discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to
> expect the Dodgers to do this week end.
>
> The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a
> stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"??
>
> This time the man drawled out " Uh..... bout 50".
>
>
>
> The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,
>
>
> "A-R-E
> Y-O-U-R P-E-O-P-L-E R-E-A-L-L-Y G-O-I-N-G
> T-O N-O-M-I-N-A-T-E
>
>
> H--I--L--L--A--R--Y0 -
A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."
The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque."
"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.
The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.
"Money or another miracle else no drink", says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.
The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."
"Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."0 -
You know the honeymoon is over when the comedians start.
>
> The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree . . . and think 25
> to life would be appropriate.
> --Jay Leno
>
> America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
> --Jay Leno
>
> Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
> A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
> --Conan O'Brien
>
> Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
> A: A fund raiser.
> --Jay Leno
>
> Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
> A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The
> other is for housing prisoners.
> --David Letterman
>
> Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and
> it started to sink, who would be saved?
> A: America !
> --Jimmy Fallon
>
> Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
> A: Bo has papers.
> --Jimmy Kimmel
>
> Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
> A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.
> --David Letterman0 -
quote:
A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came
upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar
but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as
first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured
Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the
highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw
each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I
yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag
who got what he deserved."
He yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left
wing Commie who isn't even an American.
So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid,
mean-spirited lesbian!
He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a
truck hit us."0 -
Body Statistics
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
The average man's BallPark Frank is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are
standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.0 -
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the
right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have
beaten
the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating
woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she
missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell
phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her
window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her
to the police station where she was searched, finger printed,
photographed and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a
policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted
back to the booking desk where the arresting Officer was waiting with
her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You
see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn,
flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.
I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus
Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker,
and
the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally...I
assumed you had stolen the car." Priceless.0 -
Post Turtle
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old California rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Nancy Pelosi and her elevation to speaker of the house.
The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Nancy is a post turtle."
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle." The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just want to help the dumb ass get down."0 -
Short and Funny
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
beep. If I do not return your call,
you are one of the changes."
~~~~~
At pilot training back in the
Air Corps they taught us,
"Always try to keep the number
of landings you make
equal to the number of take
offs you make."
~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~
My wife and I had words,
but I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering
and take without forgetting.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time
you're old enough to know your way
around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think
of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders,
but it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn
of a new error.0 -
In a local sports bar trivia quiz the other night, I lost by one point. The question was, where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa.
One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans and African Americans is not the correct answer.
I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.
A new Muslim clothing shop opened here in Sanford, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.
You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.
A friend of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I asked, "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother has a mustache."
Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Face Book. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know, 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!!
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ... "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick buzzard."
The red cross knocked at my door asking if I could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said I would love to, but my hose only reaches the bottom of the driveway.0 -
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair - given that you are blind - that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl
3. I'm a 6' tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times "*0 -
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're
in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over
you,
what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a
fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful
teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's
lives."
Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!""[:D][:D][:D]0 -
You may have seen this, it has been around for a while.
The Police Stop
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has
the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got
my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I
saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting
my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and
killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the
trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.
The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain
approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can
see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told
you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped
you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole
the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was
a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.0 -
I saw a Radical Muslim fall into the icy Columbia River this morning about 8:20.
As a responsible citizen, I informed the local office of emergency services.
It's now 6:00 PM and they still haven't responded!
I'm starting to think I've wasted a stamp.0 -
http://www.jsonline.com/news/state/nov05/373937.asp
The county nursing home is being downsized for lack of funds. What they going to do, shoot brats into space? Your tax dollars at work.....
joe0 -
Would this be Chip and Dale, or Alvin and the gang? 0 -
Good one! 0 -
I Love it. 0 -
Ok, you got me with it. [:)] 0 -
Yep, you got me too. 0
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