Joke

kimi

March 30, 2007 08:45

THE WOMAN POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart, and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Will pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh, send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

THE MAN POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac gymnast with
big boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me hunting, fishing and drinking.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a chit.

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kimi

March 30, 2007 08:45

quote:

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance... never really wanted to"

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.

Everybody standing around was laughing.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.

The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;

"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir ... but ... I've always wanted to"

There are a few lessons for all of us here:

* D on't be arrogant.
* D on't waste ammunition.
* Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
* Always make sure you know who is in control.
* And finally, Don't screw around with us old farts;
we didn't get old by being stupid.

I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?!

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kimi

March 30, 2007 08:45

Guy goes into a ladies lingerie shop,tells the lady he wants a nursing bra.The lady says what bust,the guy says the condom.

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kimi

March 30, 2007 08:45

DAMN TRACTOR!

A farmer has three sons.

One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car.

His father says, "Son, come with me."

He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed here on the farm, but I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car."

The boy wasn't very happy with that answer but he did understand the situation and said, "Okay, Dad, I understand."

A week later, his 10 year old son approached saying he was hoping he'd get a two-wheel bicycle for his upcoming birthday.

Well, of course he got the same answer. "......as soon as that tractor is paid for........ "

The following month his youngest son began bugging him for a tricycle.

Again, he got the same lecture about the tractor being paid for first..

While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little upset about the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly kicked the rooster clean off the hen's back, mumbling to himself as he did.

His dad says, "Son, that is not an acceptable thing to do to any animal!

You certainly know better than that! Why on earth would you do something like that when that rooster wasn't bothering you in the least?"

The little boy looks his Dad right square in the eye and says, "Listen, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for."

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kimi

March 30, 2007 08:45

About those Church Hymns
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.

He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.

Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."

The pastor shouted out "CROSS."

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."

The pastor hollered out "GRACE." The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."

The pastor said "POWER."

The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."

The Pastor said "SEX" The congregation fell into total silence.

Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church,
a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES."

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kimi

March 30, 2007 08:45

*Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.*
**
*Sleeping Beauty said, 'I believe myself to be the most beautiful
girl in the world.'*
**
*Tom Thumb said, 'I must be the smallest person in the world.'*
**
*Quasimodo said, 'I absolutely have to be the most disgusting person
in the world.'*
**
*So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to
have their claims verified.*
**
*Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously
happy. 'It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world.'*
**
*Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, 'I am now officially
the smallest person in the world.'*
**
*Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and
said: 'Who is Rosie O'Donnell ?'*

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kimi

March 30, 2007 08:45

Let's see how long- or even if- this gets poofed. I've had people in stiches all day with this joke...
Apologies if it's already been posted.

-Plink

Burt always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some
on sale one day,he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He
walks into the house and says to his wife, 'Notice anything
different about me?'

Margaret looks him over, 'Nope.'

Frustrated Burt storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything
different NOW?'

Margaret looks up and says, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again Tomorrow.'

Furious, Burt yells, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope,' she replies.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!'

To which Margaret replies...'Shoulda bought a hat, Burt. Shoulda bought a hat.'

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kimi

March 30, 2007 08:45

This guy dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the gate and took him into a great, beautiful, magnificent building. The guy notices clocks everywhere. He asks St. Peter what the clocks are for.

St. Peter says that each person on earth has a clock. Not for their death but for how many times they lied in their lives.

The guy goes to one clock and it read zero on the clock. He asked whose clock this one was.

St. Peter said it was Sister Teresas clock. She told no lies.

The guy then asked about a clock that said two lies.

St. Peter said that the clock was Abe Lincolns clock. For he only told two lies.

The guy then thought a few seconds. He said I would like to see John Kerry's clock.

St. Peter said, We don't keep that one in here, we keep it in the entrance way, we needed a fan in that room.

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kimi

March 30, 2007 08:45

This may belong in the political section but wanted everyone to see it. read it with a sense of humor.

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below.
She shouted to him, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.'
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.'
She rolled her eyes and said, 'You must be a Republican.'
'I am,' replied the man. 'How did you know?'
'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me.'
The man smiled and responded, 'You must be a Democrat.'
'I am,' replied the balloonist. 'How did you know?'
'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.

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kimi

March 30, 2007 08:45

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Gassman,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Gassman, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where t he antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

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kimi

March 30, 2007 08:45

Near Fredericksburg, Texas, where there is a large German-speaking population, a farmer walking down a country road notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand.

The old German man shouts: 'Trink das wasser nicht. Die Kuehe haben drin gesheissen.'

Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows have crapped in it.'

The man shouts back: 'I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Obama, I can't understand you. Please speak in English.'

The old German man says: 'Use two hands, you'll get more.

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kimi

March 30, 2007 08:45

Two little potatoes are standing
on the street corner. One is a
prostitute.

How can you tell which one is the prostitute?

You're gonna love it...

It's the one with the little sticker that says...

I - DA - HO

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kimi

March 30, 2007 08:45

I was in a bar one Saturday night, when a big, mean biker-looking dude walked in. He looked like he was cruising for a fight, but the size and evil look on his face told me that he wouldn't find a dance pardner in that bar.
He sat down at the bar and ordered a beer. The room grew quiet. After a while, he turned to his left and bellowed, "Everyone on that side of the room is a son-of-a-betch!". The room remained quiet.
Soon, he turned to his right and bellowed "Everyone on that side of the room is a fraggot!" Again, silence. Hearing a chair scuff the floor, he spun around on his bar stool and shouted to a fellow who had gotten out the chair, "Where in the hill do you think you're going?!". A rather effiminate fellow said:

"I'm just getting on the right side of the room."

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kimi

March 30, 2007 08:45

Airline securityFederal Aviation Agency800 Independence Avenue S.W.Washington D.C. 20591Dear Sirs:I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings,and at the same time getting our airline industry back on its feet.Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women we should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers. Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman, and of course, everyone in this country would start flying again in hopes of seeing a naked woman.We would have no more hijackings, and the airline industry would have record sales.Now why didn't Congress think of this?Sincerely,Bill Clinton

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kimi

March 30, 2007 08:45

THE BACON TREE

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to
death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the
inevitable,
when all of a sudden...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I am sure of eet."

"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee."

So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune,
and there in the distance is a tree, just loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back
bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat!

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree."

"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don't
forget."

"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell of bacon...ees
no
meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 meters,
Pepe
following closely behind, when all of a sudden a
machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear
he
is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn
Pepe
with his dying breath.

"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree."

"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...........

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees.....

a HAM BUSH!

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kimi

March 30, 2007 08:45

Three little boys were sittin' on the swingset one day, discussing technology.
The question came up regarding which of man's inventions were the most amazing.
The first one said "It'd have to be the airplane. You could get on an airplane and fly halfway around the world in the same day."
"Nah," said another, "It's got to be the telephone. You can talk to someone on the other side of the world."
The third little fella said "The most amazing invention has to be the Thermos jug."
"The Thermos jug?" exclaimed his buddy "what's so amazing about a Thermos jug?"
"Well" says the little boy "you can put hot stuff in it and keep it hot. And you can put cold stuff in it and it will keep it cold"
"What's so amazing about that?" replied his friends.
The third litte boy asked:

"How do it know?"
[:D]

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kimi

March 30, 2007 08:45

Two women went out for a ladies night out without their husbands. On their way home from the clubs, they needed to use the bathroom. To their surprise, they could not find anything open but saw a cemetery. They drove in and walked to a quite corner of the cemetery. They did not have anything to blot themselves with after peeing so one used her panties and discarded them. The other used a ribbon from a flower arrangement off a gravesite.

The next night their husbands were hanging out and one of them said to the other, "I think I may need to watch my wife a little better. She came home last night without any panties." The other said, "Yeah, me too. My wife came home with a card stuck to her butt that said "Thanks for all the good times. We are going to miss you. Love, The Entire Fire Department."

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kimi

March 30, 2007 08:45

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy
> >Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at
> >the
> >table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue
> >playing standing up.
> >
> >Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to
tell
> >Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"
> >
> >They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to
be
> >discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
> >
> >"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion
> >is
> >me middle name. Leave it to me."
> >
> >Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs.
Murphy
> >answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares: "Your husband just
lost
> >$500 and is afraid to come home."
> >
> >"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.
> >
> >"I'll go tell him," says Gallagher

[:D]
Ben

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kimi

March 30, 2007 08:45

I was eating lunch today with my 10 year old grandson when his mom asked him

"What is tomorrow?" He said "It's President's Day"

She asked "What does that mean?" .... I was waiting for something profound...

He said "President's Day is when Obama steps out of the White House and if he sees his shadow,

we have 2 more years of unemployment and stupidity."

I almost snorted my iced tea.

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kimi

March 30, 2007 08:45

Subject: FLAT TUMMY

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad
> >bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried
> >about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
> >The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
> >
> >The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes
I
> >have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
> >
> >"You're wasting your time," said the boy.
> >
> >"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.
> >
> >"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her
> >knees and blows it right back up."

.

Dustin K. Griffin

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kimi

March 30, 2007 08:45

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.
Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time. The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?' The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?' The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

[xx(]

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kimi

March 30, 2007 08:45

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen." The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "That driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you." [:0]

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kimi

March 30, 2007 08:45

A study in Scotland showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle.For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged, masculine features and if she is menstruating she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved into his temple.

Certified SIG pistol armorer/FFL Dealer/Full time Peace Officer, Moderator of the General Discussion Board on Gunbroker. Visit www.gunbroker.com, the premier gun auction site on the Net! Email davidnunn@texoma.net Jesus is Lord!

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kimi

March 30, 2007 08:45

Collections

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week! The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful. What does he do for a living?"

''He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money." the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada . He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas , and one in Reno ."

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kimi

March 30, 2007 08:45

An old-time southern, hell fire & brimstone country preacher had a
teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought
to choosing a profession.

Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do,
and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an
experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table
four objects:

- a Bible,

- a silver dollar,

- a bottle of whisky and

- a Playboy magazine

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself,
"when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object
he picks up.

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that
would be okay, too.

But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good, low down
drunkard, and, Lord, help me.... what a shame that would be.

And worst of all..... if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a
skirt-chasin', no good bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he
entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his
books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the
objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to
inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked
up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the
bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," th! e old preacher disgustedly whispered,

"he's gonna be a Congressman!"

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kimi

March 30, 2007 08:45

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. Te wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, and my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft,
thoughtful voice, "Well, ... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at St.
Anselm's Memorial Chapel. Female friends of the family are invited.

Larry

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kimi

March 30, 2007 08:45

Famous rorn star Ron Jeremy was called to serve on a panel to decide the quilt or innocence of a defendant in a trial. It was a hung jury...

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kimi

March 30, 2007 08:45

I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"; She said "It's President's Day!" She is a smart kid. I asked "What does President's Day mean?" I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln .... Etc.

She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have 4 more years of Bull Schmit."

You know, It hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose!

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kimi

March 30, 2007 08:45

This would be a lot funnier if there were no chance of it being true!!!

A guy stopped at a local gas station, and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole.

The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man as he tossed the can into a trash container before heading down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"

"Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy here puts the dirt back.

Elmer's job's been cut ... so now it's just me an' Leroy.

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kimi

March 30, 2007 08:45

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services ...the United States Marines .you know one of their nicknames is "The Devil Dogs". In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.

I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the guy says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He never did any of that bababooey. He was in the Air Force.

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