Funny e-mail
Teachers and Cops
These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
Teachers aren't alone... These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. These comments were taken from actual police car videos around the country.
16. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'
15. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'
14. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'
13. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'
12. 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'
11. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'
10. 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'
9. 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket. '
8. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'
7. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'
6. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'
5. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'
4. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'
3. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'
2. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'
AND THE WINNER IS...
1. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.'
These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
Teachers aren't alone... These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. These comments were taken from actual police car videos around the country.
16. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'
15. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'
14. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'
13. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'
12. 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'
11. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'
10. 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'
9. 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket. '
8. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'
7. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'
6. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'
5. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'
4. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'
3. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'
2. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'
AND THE WINNER IS...
1. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.'
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Below is an article written by Rick Reilly of Sports Illustrated. He
details his experiences when given the opportunity to fly in a F-14
Tomcat. If you aren't laughing out loud by the time you get to "Milk
Duds," your sense of humor is seriously broken.
"Now this message is for America's most famous athletes:
Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your
country's most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have . John
Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few If you get this
opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity...
Move to Guam .
Change your name.
Fake your own death!
Whatever you do .
Do Not Go!!!
I know.
The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped. I was
toast! I should've known when they told me my pilot would be Chip
(Biff)
King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia
Beach .
Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like,
triple it. He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair,
finger-crippling handshake -- the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic
alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the other way.
Fast.
Biff King was born to fly. His father, Jack King, was for years the
voice of NASA missions. ("T-minus 15 seconds and counting ..."
Remember?) Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear
his dad. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine-year-olds
waiting for him to say, "We have a liftoff"
Biff was to fly me in an F-14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60
million weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike Colin
Montgomerie. I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before
the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the next
morning.
"Bananas," he said.
"For the potassium?" I asked.
"No," Biff said, "because they taste about the same coming up as they
do
going down."
The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my
name sewn over the left breast. (No call sign -- like Crash or Sticky
or
Leadfoot . But, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of
my arm, as Biff had instructed. If ever in my life I had a chance to
nail Nicole Kidman, this was it.
A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then
fastened
me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would "egress" me out
of
the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked
unconscious.
Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed
over
me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up. In minutes we were
firing
nose up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another
F-14.
Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride
lasted 80. It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over
Hell. Only without rails. We did barrel rolls, snap rolls, loops, yanks
and banks. We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a vertical
velocity of 10,000 feet per minute. We chased another F-14, and it
chased us.
We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at 200
feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of 6.5,
which
is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing against
me,
thereby approximating life as Mrs. Colin Montgomerie.
And I egressed the bananas.
And I egressed the pizza from the night before.
And the lunch before that.
I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade.
I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G's, I was egressing
stuff that never thought would be egressed.
I went through not one airsick bag, but two.
Biff said I passed out. Twice. I was coated in sweat. At one point, as
we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombing
target
and the G's were flattening me like a tortilla and I was in and out of
consciousness, I realized I was the first person in history to throw
down.
I used to know 'cool'. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass, or
Norman making a five-iron bite. But now I really know 'cool'. Cool is
guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and freon nerves. I
wouldn't
go up there again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm glad Biff does
every day, and for less a year than a rookie reliever makes in a home
stand.
A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said he
and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me Said he'd send it on
a
patch for my flight suit.
What is it? I asked.
"Two Bags."
God Bless America
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I've seen it before, but I read it again. It's a good one. 0 -
LOL!!! MILK DUDS FROM SIXTH GRADE!!! LOL!!![:D][:D][:D] 0 -
[:)][:)]
Six Flags Over Hell! LOL!
Sounds like he really went up in an F14.0 -
I got to "Milk Duds" and I about egressed some Chinese food...from my nose!!! 
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[:D][:D][:D]That was good.
Jon0
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