Joke

kimi

April 25, 2007 08:45

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to swerve onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I always smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why: I drive 48 miles each way every day to work; that's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way are bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8-lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4,000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day. Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33. According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.

That means that every single day, I drive past at least one female who has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger? .... I don't think so!!!!!!!

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kimi

April 25, 2007 08:45

I LOVE MUSTARD (a true story):
>If you have children you will probably relate to this father. As ham
>sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce
>and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw
>aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up
>with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. "Hold Johnny
>(our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said. I had him balanced
>between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich
>when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no
>napkin. I licked it off. It was not mustard. No man ever put a baby down
>faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue
>protruding. With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys
>do, only I did it on my tongue. Later (after she stopped crying from laughing
>so hard) my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard "Poupon.'"
>When you stop laughing, pass it on.

SSgt Ryan E. Roberts, USMC

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kimi

April 25, 2007 08:45

His name was Bubba, he was from Alabama ... And he needed a loan, So... He walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan Officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International Redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000, and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a brand new Ferrari.
The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer
agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the South for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.
The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from University Alabama, a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
His name was BUBBA.... Keep an eye on those southern boys!
Just because we talk funny does not mean we are stupid.

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kimi

April 25, 2007 08:45

Two women went out for a ladies night out without their husbands. On their way home from the clubs, they needed to use the bathroom. To their surprise, they could not find anything open but saw a cemetery. They drove in and walked to a quite corner of the cemetery. They did not have anything to blot themselves with after peeing so one used her panties and discarded them. The other used a ribbon from a flower arrangement off a gravesite.

The next night their husbands were hanging out and one of them said to the other, "I think I may need to watch my wife a little better. She came home last night without any panties." The other said, "Yeah, me too. My wife came home with a card stuck to her butt that said "Thanks for all the good times. We are going to miss you. Love, The Entire Fire Department."

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kimi

April 25, 2007 08:45

A city fellow went to a dude ranch out west. He was asking one of the resident cowboys about his attire. "Why do you guys wear those big hats?" "Well" replied the cowboy, "the big hat is to keep the sun off our face and neck during a long day in the saddle."
"Why does your shirt have snaps instead of buttons?" The cowboy replied "If we get up in the brush, and the limbs catch our clothes, the snaps will come unsnapped, whereas if we had buttons, the brush would tear the buttons off."
"I undertand, but why are all you guys wearing tennis shoes instead of cowboy boots?" asked the dude. "Oh," replied the cowboy, "that's so no one will mistake us for a truck driver."

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kimi

April 25, 2007 08:45

Subject: FLAT TUMMY

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad
> >bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried
> >about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
> >The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
> >
> >The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes
I
> >have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
> >
> >"You're wasting your time," said the boy.
> >
> >"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.
> >
> >"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her
> >knees and blows it right back up."

.

Dustin K. Griffin

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kimi

April 25, 2007 08:45

Peter goes to the doctor and says,
'Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 20 times since I've been in your office. You didn't know I was passing gas because they didn't smell and are silent.'

The doctor says, 'I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.'

The next week Peter goes back. 'Doctor,' he says, 'I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my gas, although still silent, stink terribly.'

'Good,' the doctor said. 'Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing.'[^][:0]

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kimi

April 25, 2007 08:45

An old prospector shuffled into the town
of El Indio , Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed
straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really
wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe
blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a
double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.
The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said,
"No sir...... but... I've always wanted to."

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kimi

April 25, 2007 08:45

>

Green Bay Packers

After the Packers/Bills game, Buffalo released quarterback Trent Edwards.

During the Packers/Eagles game, the Packers injured Philadelphia quarterback Kevin Kolb.

Philadelphia then had to play backup quarterback Michael Vick.

During a playoff game against the Eagles, the Packers injured Michael Vick and another backup was needed.

After the Packers/Cowboys game, Dallas fired Wade Phillips.

After the Packers/Vikings game, Minnesota fired Brad Childress.

Four weeks after losing to the Packers, the 49er's coach Mike Singletary was fired and replaced.

During the Bears Playoff game, the Packers injured Jay Cutler and backup Todd Collins forcing the Bears to go with 3rd string quarterback Caleb Hanie.

Is it just me.... or did the Packers create more jobs than Obama last year?

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kimi

April 25, 2007 08:45

Boudreaux staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Thibodeaux. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Clotile.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.

A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Boudreaux sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting on the Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Boudreaux woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Clotile staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Boudreaux?" Boudreaux said, "Mon cher, why you say such a mean ting?"

"Well," Clotile said," it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes,but mostly......it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror.

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kimi

April 25, 2007 08:45

A pastor decides he'd like to have a bird for a pet so he goes to the pet store and sees a Parrot. The bird is very pretty and well colored so the pastor asks the proprietor about him. The more he hears about the bird the better he likes it, but he has one final question before he will buy it- the pastor tells the proprietor that he is a pastor and has visits at least once a day from parishoners, some of which are women that would be highly offended by off-color language, so how is the bird for language? the proprietor assures the pastor that the bird is very well mannered and doesn't even know andy swear words. So the pastor buys the bird and takes him home to the parsonage.

Later in the day a group of women visit and they are enamoured with the bird. All evening each woman walks over to the bird. picks up a treat, holds it in front of the bird and says in a falsetto voice "Polly want a cracker?". the bird says to himsself- first of all, my name isn't Polly". By the end of the evening the bird is sick and tired of falsetto voiced women, crackers, and being called Polly; but finally all the parishoners leave and the pastor puts a cover on the birds home and the parrot goes to sleep, hoping that the next day will bring parishoners that are more civilized in their treatment of him.

But to his surprise, as the pastor pulls the cover from the birdcage the first words out of his mouth are a squeakie "Polly want a cracker?" this is more than the bird can take and he loses his temper, calling out in a loud voice to the pastor "Oh just blow it out your ear!!"

The pastor is stunned, but recovers quickly and grabs the parrot, marches over to the freezer, pitches the vird in and slams the door. After about ten minutes, he opens the freezer door and takes the shivering bird out. He holds the bird up and asks him if he learned his lesson regarding language like that. The bird responds that he did.

The pastor then asks the parrot if he has any questions. The parrot says he has just one:"WHAT DID THE TURKEY SAY?"

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kimi

April 25, 2007 08:45

quote:
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbors male dog at her house while they were away on vacation. She had a large house however and believed that she could keep them apart.

As she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.

She was unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next. Although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said.. "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me" he replied .

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kimi

April 25, 2007 08:45

RECTUM DEODORANT, POSSIBLY THE BEST BLONDE JOKE EVER!

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman
they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "We don't have any!" "But I always buy it here," says the blonde "Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the
pharmacist.

"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from
the container.........

"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

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kimi

April 25, 2007 08:45

A little boy was riding his BMX bike one day in the drive way when the little girl next door asked if she could ride his BMX bike. The little boy said,"You see this, this bike is for boys only. Only boys can have these."

Well, she went home and told her mommy what he said. The next day he was riding his bike again and the little girl came over on a brand new bike just like his, but with a basket on the front.

Well this made the little boy upset so he threw his bike to the ground and pouted up to the house.

He came out a little later with a football. He was tossing it in the air and playing in the yard. The little girl saw him and asked if she could play too. He said,"You see this, this football is for boys only. Only boys can have with these."

Well like before she ran home and told her mommy what the little boy had said. The very next day the little girl rode her bike over and she had a new football in the front basket of her bike. She gave a smerk to the little boy and tossed her ball in the air giggling.

The little boy so frustrated, pulled his pants down and pointed to his tally wacker(I guessing this word won't be edited[;)]) and said,"You see this, only boys have these."

Satisfied he had shown the little girl next door who's boss he pulled his pants up and went inside as she stood there in shock.

Later that day he was outside on the lawn and the little girl came right over and approached him. She walked up to him with a big grin on her face.

She pulled her dress up and her panties down and pointed to her private parts and said, " You see this, only girls have these. And my mommy said as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!"[:0]

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kimi

April 25, 2007 08:45

I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"; She said "It's President's Day!" She is a smart kid. I asked "What does President's Day mean?" I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln .... Etc.

She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have 4 more years of Bull Schmit."

You know, It hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose!

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kimi

April 25, 2007 08:45

I was talking to a friend of mine's little girl, and she said she wanted to be President some day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were President,

what would be the first thing you would do?" She replied, "I'd
give food and houses to all the homeless people." "Wow - what a worthy goal!" I told her. "You
don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow, pull weeds,
and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then, I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy
hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food or a new house." She thought that over for a few
moments because she's only 6 years old. And while her Mom glared at me, the young child looked me straight in the
eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"

And I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party." Her folks still aren't talking to me.

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kimi

April 25, 2007 08:45

The husband was getting his underwear out of his drawer. He asked his wife, "Honey why did you put powder in my underwear? His wife replied, "That's not powder, that's Miracle Gro"

"Sell not virtue to purchase wealth, not liberty to purchase power."
Benjamin Franklin, 1785

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kimi

April 25, 2007 08:45

The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper. St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have pass it before you can get into Heaven." Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here , St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was." St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow." The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer.

How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?" "Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd. . ." "Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind.....but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too.

Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"? "Sure" Forrest replied, "its Andy." Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?" "Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song. . . ."ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . ."

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."

The gene pool needs chlorine.

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kimi

April 25, 2007 08:45

Panda walks into a bar-The Bartender cant believe it!Damn,i cant believe what im seeing!What,ll it be Panda? Lettuce and a Bud Lite,responds Panda.Sure,commin up!Panda munches on lettuce while casually sipping his beer.Everyone enjoys seeing the Panda and wants to buy his next beer.Finally the Panda gets up,pulls an Uzi out of his fur and starts shooting up the Bar.Glasses and liquor bottles exploding,pure pandemonium! Then the Panda calmly walks toward the door.Bartender peeks over Bar-Panda,why did you shoot up my Bar? Im a Panda,look it up.Bartender grabs a dictionary and looks it up.PANDA-Black and white Mammal indigenous to Western China,eats chutes and leaves.

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kimi

April 25, 2007 08:45

Preacher gets wound up and goes on and on about marriage is"Between one man and one woman." Quotes scripture and civil law "One man and one woman." Finally old woman speaks up from back pew. "I don't know how anyone in their right mind would want more than one."

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kimi

April 25, 2007 08:45

Three little boys were sittin' on the swingset one day, discussing technology.
The question came up regarding which of man's inventions were the most amazing.
The first one said "It'd have to be the airplane. You could get on an airplane and fly halfway around the world in the same day."
"Nah," said another, "It's got to be the telephone. You can talk to someone on the other side of the world."
The third little fella said "The most amazing invention has to be the Thermos jug."
"The Thermos jug?" exclaimed his buddy "what's so amazing about a Thermos jug?"
"Well" says the little boy "you can put hot stuff in it and keep it hot. And you can put cold stuff in it and it will keep it cold"
"What's so amazing about that?" replied his friends.
The third litte boy asked:

"How do it know?"
[:D]

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kimi

April 25, 2007 08:45

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy
> >Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at
> >the
> >table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue
> >playing standing up.
> >
> >Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to
tell
> >Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"
> >
> >They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to
be
> >discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
> >
> >"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion
> >is
> >me middle name. Leave it to me."
> >
> >Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs.
Murphy
> >answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares: "Your husband just
lost
> >$500 and is afraid to come home."
> >
> >"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.
> >
> >"I'll go tell him," says Gallagher

[:D]
Ben

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kimi

April 25, 2007 08:45

A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at
midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the
latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is
sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care
of it.

The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the
aircraft only to find that the latrine pump-truck has been left outdoors
and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes
even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic
about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job
deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, 'Son, your
attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to
personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished.'
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands
tall and says, 'Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman
in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11
months without any leave, and reindeers' asses are beginning to look pretty
good to me. I have one stripe; its 2:30 in the morning, the temperature is
40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump poop out of an aircraft.
Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?'

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kimi

April 25, 2007 08:45

Yummy Fingers!
As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, Honey?"
"Mommy, where's my booger[:0][:0]

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kimi

April 25, 2007 08:45

A study in Scotland showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle.For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged, masculine features and if she is menstruating she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved into his temple.

Certified SIG pistol armorer/FFL Dealer/Full time Peace Officer, Moderator of the General Discussion Board on Gunbroker. Visit www.gunbroker.com, the premier gun auction site on the Net! Email davidnunn@texoma.net Jesus is Lord!

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kimi

April 25, 2007 08:45

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not
happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I
look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect. He never
heard the shot....

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kimi

April 25, 2007 08:45

This is for my buddy that wont talk to me[:o)][:D]

NEVER CHOKE IN A RESTAURANT IN ARKANSAS

Two hillbillies walk into a DairyQueen. While having a
couple of DQ Blizzards, they talk privately about their moonshine
operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table,eating a chicken
sandwich, begins to cough.

After a while, it becomes apparent that she is in real
distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya
swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, eyes
widen and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly strolls over to the woman, lifts up the
back of her dress, yanks down her panties and quickly gives her
right butt cheek a long lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and
the obstruction flies out of her mouth. She begins to
breathe again, the hillbilly ambles smugly back to his table.

His buddy says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind
Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it.

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kimi

April 25, 2007 08:45

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Bubba:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad
A few days later, he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad:
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Bubba
At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Bubba

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kimi

April 25, 2007 08:45

Three Southern boys and three Northerners were traveling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station, the three Northerners each buy a ticket and watch as the three Southern boys buy just one ticket.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Northerners. "Watch and learn," answers one of the men from the South. They all board the train and the three Northerners take their respective seats but all three Southern boys cram into a toilet together and close the door. Soon after, the train departs and the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket please". The door opens just a bit and a single arm emerges with the one ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Northerners see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip, but see, to their astonishment, that the three Southern boys don't buy any ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Northerner. "Watch and learn," answers the men from the South. When they board the train, the three Northerners cram themselves into a toilet and the three Southern boys cram into another just down the aisle. Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the Southern boys leaves their toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Northerners are hiding. The Southern boy knocks on their door and says, "Ticket please".

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kimi

April 25, 2007 08:45

The Mole Family

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole
hole.
One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air
and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says
"Yum! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air,
but can't because the bigger moles
are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell
is....

MOLASSES!

Well, Hell I thought it was funny.[:D]

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