What I Have Learned This Past Year
What I Have Learned This Past Year From Reading My E-mail.
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the
glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every
envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating
in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out
for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car
so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked
with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al
Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number
for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my
free replacement pair from Nike.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it
bites my butt.
Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney and Maxine has given
us. I can live a better life now because they've told us how to fix
everything.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up the $5.00 I found
dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex
molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this
afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you
to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened
to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's
cousin's beautician.
Have a wonderful day.
A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has
discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read
the forum postings with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the
glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every
envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating
in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out
for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car
so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked
with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al
Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number
for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my
free replacement pair from Nike.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it
bites my butt.
Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney and Maxine has given
us. I can live a better life now because they've told us how to fix
everything.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up the $5.00 I found
dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex
molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this
afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you
to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened
to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's
cousin's beautician.
Have a wonderful day.
A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has
discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read
the forum postings with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late
0
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so are we haveing a bad day, to day? 0 -
I knew there was something funny about those Fed-ex and Ups guys.[:0] 0 -
Just by logging onto GB I have learned all sorts of things: The VT shooter was actually an Islamic fanatic for starters. Also included in the list of I never knew that was the ability to exchange aluminum can pull-tops for costly medical treatment, that there is a kilogram of E Coli present in 350 liters of tap water, chlorine is a WMD, Capt. Kangaroo was a war hero (and Mr Rogers was a bad a$$ SEAL), zombies are among is in numbers I never suspected, we can break big oil by not buying gasoline one day per year and then telling everyone about it on the internet, GW Bush is destined to be one of our greatest presidents (his last 18 months in office are going to have to be amazing to pull that one off), that the ability to speak a foreign language is borderline un American, that currently we have not invaded or attacked any where near the number of countries that we should have, and that youtube is really the only outlet which tells us the honest truth about things which are vital to our safety and well being. This is quite a bit of info and the year is not yet half over! 0 -
quote:Originally posted by hotshoot
so are we haveing a bad day, to day?
Actually I'm haveing a great day!0 -
I ain't learned a dang thing... Except same ole same. Just a different calendar year.[:)][:D] 0 -
[:D] 0 -
you forgot one...Dont open the little packets of ketchup with one hand and your teeth or you will get worms.[:D] 0 -
I learned all of that two years ago, you must be a slow learner. 0 -
I've learned to take my punishments like a MAN! 
[:D]0 -
quote:Originally posted by zipperzap
I've learned to take my punishments like a MAN!
[:D]
You are an irreverent individual, and you will eventually pay the price.[V]0 -
quote:bondai:
You are an irreverent individual, and you will eventually pay the price
LOL . bondai ... looks like you've been suck'in on the Jesus Juice again today!
[:D]0
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