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  • tazzer
    An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
    Dear Bubba:
    I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
    Love, Dad
    A few days later, he received a letter from his son.
    Dear Dad:
    For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
    Love, Bubba
    At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
    That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.
    Dear Dad:
    Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
    Love, Bubba
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  • tazzer
    Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender

    The robot says, "What will you have?"

    The guy says, "Martini."

    The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man,

    "What's your IQ?"

    The guy says, "168."

    The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.


    The guy leaves, but he is curious.

    So he goes back into the bar.

    The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"

    The guy says, "Martini."

    Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says,

    "What's your IQ?"

    The guy says, "100."

    The robot then starts to talk about Hollywood, communists, vodka, and kwanzaa.


    The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting,

    so he thinks he will try it one more time.

    He goes back into the bar.

    The robot says, "What will you have?"

    The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.

    The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"

    The guy says, "Uh, about 50."

    The robot leans in real close and says,

    Well, not everyone can be from Chicago, an ACORN member, and happy with OBama!
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  • tazzer
    Three Southern boys and three Northerners were traveling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station, the three Northerners each buy a ticket and watch as the three Southern boys buy just one ticket.

    "How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Northerners. "Watch and learn," answers one of the men from the South. They all board the train and the three Northerners take their respective seats but all three Southern boys cram into a toilet together and close the door. Soon after, the train departs and the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket please". The door opens just a bit and a single arm emerges with the one ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Northerners see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip, but see, to their astonishment, that the three Southern boys don't buy any ticket at all.

    "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Northerner. "Watch and learn," answers the men from the South. When they board the train, the three Northerners cram themselves into a toilet and the three Southern boys cram into another just down the aisle. Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the Southern boys leaves their toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Northerners are hiding. The Southern boy knocks on their door and says, "Ticket please".
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  • tazzer
    The Mole Family

    A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole
    hole.
    One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air
    and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
    The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says
    "Yum! I smell honey!"
    The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air,
    but can't because the bigger moles
    are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell
    is....

    MOLASSES!

    Well, Hell I thought it was funny.[:D]











    fc6cb6ef.gif
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  • tazzer
    I had not heard this one before. I liked it and thought I would share it.

    A redneck was stopped by a game warden in South Carolina recently with two ice chests full of fish.
    He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.

    The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'
    'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'

    'Pet fish?'

    'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home.'

    'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'

    The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then Said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'

    'O. K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'

    The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

    After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'

    'Well, what?', says the redneck.

    The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'

    'Call who back?'

    'The FISH', replied the warden!

    'What fish?', replied the redneck.

    Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

    You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.
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  • tazzer
    a farmer walked into a bar,ordered a beer ,got a smoke out but had no lighter. the bartend gave him one from a huge lighter behind the counter. the farmer ask where he got that lighter? the bartend answered,from the genie in that bottle over there. the farmer picked the bottle up and out popped the genie,sayingyou have 1 wish. the farmer replied i want a million bucks.the genie said go home and find your wish.the farmer drove as fast as he could and when he arrived home he seen a million white ducks all over his farm,he turned around and went back to town and told the bartend ,hey , i said a million bucks not ducks. the bartend said ,you don't think i ask for a 12 inch bic do ya[:D]
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  • tazzer
    I was in a bar one Saturday night, when a big, mean biker-looking dude walked in. He looked like he was cruising for a fight, but the size and evil look on his face told me that he wouldn't find a dance pardner in that bar.
    He sat down at the bar and ordered a beer. The room grew quiet. After a while, he turned to his left and bellowed, "Everyone on that side of the room is a son-of-a-betch!". The room remained quiet.
    Soon, he turned to his right and bellowed "Everyone on that side of the room is a fraggot!" Again, silence. Hearing a chair scuff the floor, he spun around on his bar stool and shouted to a fellow who had gotten out the chair, "Where in the hill do you think you're going?!". A rather effiminate fellow said:






    "I'm just getting on the right side of the room."
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  • tazzer
    Panda walks into a bar-The Bartender cant believe it!Damn,i cant believe what im seeing!What,ll it be Panda? Lettuce and a Bud Lite,responds Panda.Sure,commin up!Panda munches on lettuce while casually sipping his beer.Everyone enjoys seeing the Panda and wants to buy his next beer.Finally the Panda gets up,pulls an Uzi out of his fur and starts shooting up the Bar.Glasses and liquor bottles exploding,pure pandemonium! Then the Panda calmly walks toward the door.Bartender peeks over Bar-Panda,why did you shoot up my Bar? Im a Panda,look it up.Bartender grabs a dictionary and looks it up.PANDA-Black and white Mammal indigenous to Western China,eats chutes and leaves.
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  • tazzer
    Airline securityFederal Aviation Agency800 Independence Avenue S.W.Washington D.C. 20591Dear Sirs:I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings,and at the same time getting our airline industry back on its feet.Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women we should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers. Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman, and of course, everyone in this country would start flying again in hopes of seeing a naked woman.We would have no more hijackings, and the airline industry would have record sales.Now why didn't Congress think of this?Sincerely,Bill Clinton
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  • tazzer
    Boudreaux staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Thibodeaux. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Clotile.

    He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.

    A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Boudreaux sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting on the Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

    He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.



    In the morning, Boudreaux woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Clotile staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Boudreaux?" Boudreaux said, "Mon cher, why you say such a mean ting?"



    "Well," Clotile said," it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes,but mostly......it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror.
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  • tazzer
    An old-time southern, hell fire & brimstone country preacher had a
    teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought
    to choosing a profession.

    Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do,
    and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

    One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an
    experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table
    four objects:

    - a Bible,

    - a silver dollar,

    - a bottle of whisky and

    - a Playboy magazine

    "I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself,
    "when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object
    he picks up.

    If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

    If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that
    would be okay, too.

    But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good, low down
    drunkard, and, Lord, help me.... what a shame that would be.

    And worst of all..... if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a
    skirt-chasin', no good bum."

    The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he
    entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his
    books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the
    objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to
    inspect them.

    Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked
    up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the
    bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.

    "Lord have mercy," th! e old preacher disgustedly whispered,

    "he's gonna be a Congressman!"
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  • tazzer
    John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.

    "Of course, John," his wife said softly.

    "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."

    "But I thought you hated Bob," she said..

    With his last breath John said, "I do!"
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  • tazzer
    A little humor for friday.

    Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, 'I slept with your mother!'

    The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.

    The first again yells, 'I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!'

    The other says: 'Go home dad, you're drunk.'''
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  • tazzer
    quote:

    A woman was playing golf when she took a big swing and fell. The group waiting on the tee playing behind her was from Washington, DC and included Barack Obama.

    Barack quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet. She thanked him and started to leave when he said,"I'm Barack Obama and I hope you'll vote Democratic in the next election".

    She laughed and quickly said, "I fell on my ass, not my head !"
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  • tazzer
    One winter morning at breakfast a couple was listening to the radio. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." The wife went out and moved her car.

    A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10-12 inches of snow today, you will need to move your car to the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through." So the wife went out and moved her car again.

    The next week, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12-14 inches of snow today and you must park..." Then the power went off! The wife was very upset. With a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street am I supposed to park on?"

    With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, her husband said, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."
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  • tazzer
    10 things only women understand. http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/80443432/
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  • tazzer
    A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his
    wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip
    short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by
    the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.

    "May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.

    "I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy..

    "Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.

    "But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of
    Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other."

    "This I gotta see," replied the agent.
    With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.
    "By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to
    Chicago ."

    "Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Chicago ?"

    The agent replied, "I recognized Obama in the middle."
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  • tazzer
    Subject: Good Joke! :) HAAHAA!

    Barack Obama was seated next to a little girl on an airplane trip back to Washington. He turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
    The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to Obama, "What would you like to talk about?"
    "Oh, I don't know," said the Obama. "How about What Changes I Should Make To America?" and he smiles.
    "OK," she says. "That could be an interesting topic.



    But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
    Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl's int elligence, thinks about it for a second and finally says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
    To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don't know poop?"
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  • tazzer
    A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
    'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'
    The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens.
    Look what it has done to me
    Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
    The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.'
    The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud.
    I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs.
    'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
    So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.' The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
    He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.
    The Old Roster is squalking and running as hard as he can.
    The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
    - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 'Dammit..... third gay rooster I bought this month.' Moral of this story? Don't mess with the < B>THE OLDER GENERATION age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance!
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  • tazzer
    quote:

    Barack Obama, at a recent rural elementary school assembly in
    South Carolina, asked the audience for total quiet.

    Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every
    few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

    Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my
    hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'

    Then, little Darrell, with a proud South Carolina drawl, pierced the
    quiet and said: "Well, dumb ass, stop clapping!"
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  • tazzer
    time to pull the plug ??

    While visiting his niece, an elderly man had a heart attack. The woman drove wildly to get him to the emergency room. After what seemed like a very long wai[:D]t. the ER doctor appeared ,wearing his scrubs and a long face.
    Sadly he said, "I"m afraid that your uncle's brain is dead, but his heart is still beating."

    "Oh dear," cried the woman, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock.. "We've never had a Democrat in the family before!"
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  • tazzer
    Q: What happens when you sing country and western music
    backwards?

    A: You get your wife, job and dog back. [;)][:o)]


    There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
    Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
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  • tazzer
    A little boy was riding his BMX bike one day in the drive way when the little girl next door asked if she could ride his BMX bike. The little boy said,"You see this, this bike is for boys only. Only boys can have these."

    Well, she went home and told her mommy what he said. The next day he was riding his bike again and the little girl came over on a brand new bike just like his, but with a basket on the front.

    Well this made the little boy upset so he threw his bike to the ground and pouted up to the house.

    He came out a little later with a football. He was tossing it in the air and playing in the yard. The little girl saw him and asked if she could play too. He said,"You see this, this football is for boys only. Only boys can have with these."

    Well like before she ran home and told her mommy what the little boy had said. The very next day the little girl rode her bike over and she had a new football in the front basket of her bike. She gave a smerk to the little boy and tossed her ball in the air giggling.

    The little boy so frustrated, pulled his pants down and pointed to his tally wacker(I guessing this word won't be edited[;)]) and said,"You see this, only boys have these."

    Satisfied he had shown the little girl next door who's boss he pulled his pants up and went inside as she stood there in shock.

    Later that day he was outside on the lawn and the little girl came right over and approached him. She walked up to him with a big grin on her face.

    She pulled her dress up and her panties down and pointed to her private parts and said, " You see this, only girls have these. And my mommy said as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!"[:0]
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  • tazzer
    Famous rorn star Ron Jeremy was called to serve on a panel to decide the quilt or innocence of a defendant in a trial. It was a hung jury...
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  • tazzer
    fQUP5SL.jpg
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  • tazzer
    The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary
    school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.


    The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of
    the word "tragedy." So the illustrious Rev. Jackson asks the class for an
    example of a "tragedy." One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best
    friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor
    comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."


    "No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."


    A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove
    over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.'


    I'm afraid not, "explains the exalted Reverend Al. That's what we would
    call a great loss."


    The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.


    Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me
    an example of a tragedy?"


    Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern
    voice he says: 'If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton
    were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.'


    "Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right. And can you
    tell me why that would be a tragedy?"


    "Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure wouldn't be a great
    loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."
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  • tazzer
    A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.
    He says to her "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for 100
    dollars? "Are you nuts?", she replies. And keeps walking away.
    He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before
    she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for 1,000 dollars?" he
    asks
    again. "Listen sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?" So the guy runs

    again around the next block and faces her again: "Would you let me bite
    your breasts just once for 10,000 dollars?"
    She thinks about it for a while and "Hmmm 10,000 dollars, eh? "OK,
    just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there"
    So they went to that alley and she takes off the blouse to reveal
    the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them he jumps
    on
    them and starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his
    face
    in them,....but not biting. In the end the woman gets all annoyed and
    asks: "Are you gonna bite
    them or what?" "Nah", he replies. "Costs too much."

    Larry
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  • tazzer
    This is for my buddy that wont talk to me[:o)][:D]




    NEVER CHOKE IN A RESTAURANT IN ARKANSAS

    Two hillbillies walk into a DairyQueen. While having a
    couple of DQ Blizzards, they talk privately about their moonshine
    operation.

    Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table,eating a chicken
    sandwich, begins to cough.

    After a while, it becomes apparent that she is in real
    distress.

    One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya
    swallar?"

    The woman shakes her head no.

    "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, eyes
    widen and shakes her head no.

    The hillbilly strolls over to the woman, lifts up the
    back of her dress, yanks down her panties and quickly gives her
    right butt cheek a long lick with his tongue.

    The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and
    the obstruction flies out of her mouth. She begins to
    breathe again, the hillbilly ambles smugly back to his table.

    His buddy says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind
    Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it.
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  • tazzer
    There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor.

    The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea!"

    The little guy thinks "GHEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."

    So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. All the while thinking, " Why shouldn't I be at the bar if I want to?"

    About and hour later he returns to the bar and walks up behind the big dude and --"WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big fellow off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears!"
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  • tazzer
    I hope this Doesn't offend anyone. No pun Inteded

    REDNECK LENT

    Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up hisoutdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors wereCatholic..And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat onFriday.The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causingsuch aproblem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

    The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.


    'Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yardclutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched inamazement.

    There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holywater which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: Youwuzborn a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish.






    AMEN
    0

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