funny
0
-
I had dinner with my brother-in-law's dad the other night. He's a local judge up in n'western NJ.
That evening he'd been in court and a farmer was before him, brought up on a .08 DUI charge. .08 is the cut-off, and the farmer's contention was that he wasn't really impaired, wasn't drunk. The farmer was a massive fellow, just huge, and his point was that he was such a big guy he wasn't intoxicated by how little he'd had to drink.
"Well," the judge asked, "how much did you have to drink?"
"Two drinks," the farmer replied. (And my brother-in-law's dad told me that this is the 100% standard answer. EVERYBODY has only had two drinks. Somebody could be found passed out in the middle of the freeway, 30 beer cans scattered around him, and a blood test would show that he should probably be dead from alcohol poisoning, and in court he'll say, "Two drinks.")
"And how big were each of these drinks?" the judge asked.
The farmer holds up a hand as big as a peach basket and says, "Four fingers. Neat."
Six months without a license, $500 fine, and mandatory alcohol classes.0 -
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drink right
after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?" [;)][;)]0 -
0 -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=201pgTaEseQ
If anyone on this forum wants to buy the product, publically stating they need it defeats the point.
Maybe some of you can get it for a "friend"0 -
check out number 24. [:D]
I just now got that i forgot the link. Wow. [V]
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/pictures/view/82906469/0 -
WHY
MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men
Are Just Happier People--
Your
last name stays put.
The
garage is all yours.
Wedding
plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another
snack.
You
can never be pregnant.
Car
mechanics tell you the truth.
The
world is your urinal.
You
never have to drive to another petrol station
restroom because this one is just too icky.
You
don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut
on a bolt.
Same
work, more pay.
Wrinkles
add character.
People
never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New
shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One
mood all the time.
Phone
conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You
know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day vacation
requires only one suitcase.
You
can open all your own jars.
You
get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness.
Your
underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of
shoes are more than enough. You never have strap
problems in public.
You
are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything
on your face stays its original colour.
The
same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You
only have to shave your face and neck if at all.
You
can play with toys all your life.
One
wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all
seasons.
You
can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You
can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. (personal favorite)
You
have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You
can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December
24 in 25 minutes.
No
wonder men are happier.
Send
this to the women who can handle it
and
to the men who will enjoy reading it0 -
Its business time
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGOohBytKTU&feature=related0 -
0
-
I hope this works
"The smallest minority on earth is the individual, Those who deny individual rights cannot claim to be defenders of minorities" Ayn Rand.
"We cant be so fixated on our desire to preserve the rights of ordinary Americans" President Bill Clinton USA Today March 11 1993 Pg. 2A0 -
A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He had been a minister and was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!0 -
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, Smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.0 -
0
-
0
-
Hello, is this the Police?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank y...ou very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Police descend on Billy's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy and left
The phone rings at Billy's house: "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the Police come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas, Buddy"0 -
A father was walking past his five yr old daughter who was home sick from school and thought it would be funny to play the old "daddy's gonna eat your fingers bit with her. He took her hand and inserted it into his mouth. His daughter giggled histerically and the father was elated to hear his child laugh so enthusiastically. As the father began to walk away the little girl asked,
"Daddy, wheres my booger"?
When Clinton left office they gave him a 21 gun salute. Its a damn shame they all missed....0 -
Three women competed in the recent Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim.
The brunette came in first, with the redhead a close second.
Much later, the blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee she remarked,
"I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms."
Larry0 -
Dam Permit:
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated. The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing! all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative
Land and Water Management Division
THIS IS THE ACTUAL RESPONSE SENT BACK:
Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 10/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of nature's building materials "debris". I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their
As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is -- aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring! Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do t! o live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2003? The Spring Pond Beavers will be under the dam ice by then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality health problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
Ryan DeVries0 -
From an auction:
Information added 11/11/2013 3:31:43 PM]
I now accept Pay Pal + 3.5 % for payment.
[Information added 6/14/2014 10:06:03 AM]
As of NOW, I no longer accept Pay Pal as they are SCUMBAGS.
I guess paypal schooled him.0 -
i thought id just pop by & leave you this..have a chuckle..[:D]
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity. [:D]0 -
A woman was playing golf when she took a big swing and fell.
The party waiting behind her was a group from the White House that included Obama.
Obama quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet.
She thanked him and started to leave, when he said, "I'm President Obama and I hope you'll vote for me this November."
She laughed and quickly said, "I fell on my ass, not my head!"0 -
I'll bet many of you have already seen this, but I think it's worth revisiting:
http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/0 -
i watched this 3 times and i still laughed
http://www.wimp.com./doorprank/0 -
The pharmacist found a customer leaning against a wall inside his shop. He asks his newly-hired clerk why the man is leaning against the wall. Clerk: He wanted some cough medicine but since I couldn't find any, I gave him laxatives instead. Pharmacist: Laxatives don't help against coughs! Sure it does see he wont dare to cough! [:0] 0 -
[:D][:D][:D][:D]0 -
quote:I would challenge you to try to find a post where I blatantly call anyone a name. I know you are just using me as an example, but I don't think you could find one
that is funny0 -
Liberals are like slinkies. Not much good for anything, but it still makes you smile when you push one down the stairs. 0 -
0
Please sign in to leave a comment.
Comments
68 comments