How to kill a snake
The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering
a snake in the Area of Operations (AO).
(ORSA model developed on contract)
INFANTRY: Snake smells them, leaves area.
AIRBORNE: Lands on and kills the snake.
ARMOR: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
AVIATION: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake.
Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and
manicure.
RANGER: Plays with snake, then eats it.
FIELD ARTILLERY: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage
with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several
hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is
considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics
and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
SPECIAL FORCES: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State
Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by
building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains
it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon
return.
COMBAT ENGINEER: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal
thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake
using counter mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces
don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake
ops.
NAVY SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire
support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and
retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS
kill Muslim extremist snakes.
NAVY: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships,
kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations
Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of
anti-snake force projection.
MARINE: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local
civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.
MARINE RECON: Follows snake, gets lost.
COMBAT CONTROLLERS: Guides snake elsewhere.
PARA-RESCUE JUMPER: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works
feverishly to save snake's life.
SUPPLY: (Notice: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)
TRANSPORT PILOT: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers
two weeks after due date.
F-15 PILOT: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter
and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on
aircraft.
F-16 PILOT: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and
misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of
snake due to weather (too hot also too cold, was clear but too
overcast, too dry with rain, unlimited ceiling with low cloud
cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar,
high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to
kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.
AH-64 APACHE PILOT: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well
on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power
lines or SAM's.
UH-60 BLACKHAWK PILOT: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake
builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone.
Rotor wash blows snake into fire.
B-52 PILOT: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every
other living thing within two miles of target.
MISSILE CREW: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds,
but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to
use nuclear weapons.
INTELLIGENCE OFFICER: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35
indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the
potential for snake activity as LOW.
JUDGE ADVOCATE GENERAL (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing
grounds of professional courtesy.
FIELD PSYCHIATRIST: Assume the snake is dead.... How do you
feel about that?
a snake in the Area of Operations (AO).
(ORSA model developed on contract)
INFANTRY: Snake smells them, leaves area.
AIRBORNE: Lands on and kills the snake.
ARMOR: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
AVIATION: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake.
Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and
manicure.
RANGER: Plays with snake, then eats it.
FIELD ARTILLERY: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage
with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several
hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is
considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics
and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
SPECIAL FORCES: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State
Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by
building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains
it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon
return.
COMBAT ENGINEER: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal
thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake
using counter mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces
don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake
ops.
NAVY SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire
support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and
retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS
kill Muslim extremist snakes.
NAVY: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships,
kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations
Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of
anti-snake force projection.
MARINE: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local
civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.
MARINE RECON: Follows snake, gets lost.
COMBAT CONTROLLERS: Guides snake elsewhere.
PARA-RESCUE JUMPER: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works
feverishly to save snake's life.
SUPPLY: (Notice: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)
TRANSPORT PILOT: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers
two weeks after due date.
F-15 PILOT: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter
and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on
aircraft.
F-16 PILOT: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and
misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of
snake due to weather (too hot also too cold, was clear but too
overcast, too dry with rain, unlimited ceiling with low cloud
cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar,
high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to
kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.
AH-64 APACHE PILOT: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well
on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power
lines or SAM's.
UH-60 BLACKHAWK PILOT: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake
builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone.
Rotor wash blows snake into fire.
B-52 PILOT: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every
other living thing within two miles of target.
MISSILE CREW: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds,
but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to
use nuclear weapons.
INTELLIGENCE OFFICER: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35
indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the
potential for snake activity as LOW.
JUDGE ADVOCATE GENERAL (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing
grounds of professional courtesy.
FIELD PSYCHIATRIST: Assume the snake is dead.... How do you
feel about that?
0
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I've always found a frog gig with a 4ft. handle to be sufficient.[;)] 0 -
smack it with a hoe. 0 -
Legal system
cop wont arrest snake, snake does better job of dispensing justise than judge.
Lawyer wont defend the snake, says it does not defending.
Prosecutor wont bring snake up on charges, snake was justified in biting.
Judge says snake is a vigilante, but cant force prosecutor to file.0 -
quote:"Smack it with a hoe"
Hold her by the ankles or what?[:0][:D]
Lance0 -
quote:Originally posted by Jacob2008
smack it with a hoe.
Nappy headed or otherwise?0 -
POLICE: Snake found in random DUI checkpoint is illegal. Calls ICE.
ICE: Agrees that snake is probably illegal, but doesn't have manpower or detention facility space to house snake, and orders POLICE to release snake.
CONGRESS: Trips over itself in an attempt to win reptilian vote by granting amnesty to millions of illegal snakes who have been here a minimum of six minutes.
PRESIDENT: Used to be anti-snake, but wants Americans to be compassionate to the plight of snakes, and asks for a guest-snake program whereas snakes can come here for a limited time and then return to their rock of origin.0 -
We live in a dry county where beer and booze is illegal. The local law enforcement agencies set up checkpoints to catch these people breaking the law! Well, I have a friend who gets bored and fills a 50 quart cooler with rat snakes and other hostile snakes.(non lethal) He shakes the cooler up, throws it in the back of his truck and goes looking for police checkpoints! "SIR CAN I CHECK THAT COOLER"?
"go ahead officer" [:D]0 -
COMBAT ENGINEER: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal
thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake
using counter mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces
don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake
ops.
Additional info from a USMC Combat Engineer:
Use C-4 to reduce snake using formula P=plenty.
Get hard-on when snake disappears.0 -
I have studied the photos and can report that the snake was misidentified by all. It is actually a broom handle. No further action necessary. 0 -
.38 birdshot 0 -
quote:Originally posted by Zebra
We live in a dry county where beer and booze is illegal. The local law enforcement agencies set up checkpoints to catch these people breaking the law! Well, I have a friend who gets bored and fills a 50 quart cooler with rat snakes and other hostile snakes.(non lethal) He shakes the cooler up, throws it in the back of his truck and goes looking for police checkpoints! "SIR CAN I CHECK THAT COOLER"?
"go ahead officer" [:D]
Is it a mormon county?0 -
Gunbroker:
shoot it!
kill it and eat it
don't kill it and eat it
need pictures!
feed it to one of those damn pit bulls
Caption This
wallie blows it up
(change topic to .22LR shotshells)
post pics of a photoshopped nekkid snake
it gets poofed.0 -
quote:Originally posted by buschmaster
Gunbroker:
shoot it!
kill it and eat it
don't kill it and eat it
need pictures!
feed it to one of those damn pit bulls
Caption This
wallie blows it up
(change topic to .22LR shotshells)
post pics of a photoshopped nekkid snake
it gets poofed.
LOL! Don't forget "Snake Porn"!0 -
quote:Originally posted by cce1302
COMBAT ENGINEER: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal
thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake
using counter mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces
don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake
ops.
Additional info from a USMC Combat Engineer:
Use C-4 to reduce snake using formula P=plenty.
Get hard-on when snake disappears.
[:D]
gotta love "p for plenty" [:D]0 -
quote:Originally posted by buschmaster
Gunbroker:
shoot it!
kill it and eat it
don't kill it and eat it
need pictures!
feed it to one of those damn pit bulls
Caption This
wallie blows it up
(change topic to .22LR shotshells)
post pics of a photoshopped nekkid snake
it gets poofed.
Poisonous snakes aren't all bad--they're just misunderstood--they're really, truly peaceloving. Once saw a poison snake in a zoo and it didn't bite me so what's said is true. It's them damm Christians that are the real problem. We'd rather sleep with poisonous snakes than tolerate Christians.0 -
where did you find that . . . it is f***ing funny
as a Forward Observer i find the Field artillery one particularly funny0 -
MLRS ARTILERY:
plots coordinates of snake
launches full battery counter snake mission
neutralizes snake and everything else in 1000 meter grid
called a success and designated target reference point sierra0
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