Joke Of The Day
Garfield has it right!
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A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool
> he noticed that the bartender was a robot.
>
> The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"
>
> The man thought a moment then replied? "A martini please."
>
> The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the
> man had ever had.
>
> The robot then asked, "sir, what is your IQ?"
> The man answered "oh, about 164 "
>
> The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity',
> inter-stellar space travel', 'the latest medical break throughs',
etc......
>
> .
> The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would
> try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot
> clicked and asked what he would have? "A Martini please."
>
> Again it was superb.? The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?"
>
> This time the man answered , "Oh about 100". So the robot started
> discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to
> expect the Dodgers to do this week end.
>
> The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a
> stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"??
>
> This time the man drawled out " Uh..... bout 50".
>
>
>
> The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,
>
>
> "A-R-E
> Y-O-U-R P-E-O-P-L-E R-E-A-L-L-Y G-O-I-N-G
> T-O N-O-M-I-N-A-T-E
>
>
> H--I--L--L--A--R--Y0 -
Mexican Bungee Jumping
Alice and Frank are Bungee-jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, you know, we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping service in Mexico." Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.
So, Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, she is bruised and bleeding.
Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up. This time she comes back pretty messed up -- she's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was fine...It was the crowd. What the hell is a pi?ata?!"0 -
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We should all try and learn something new every day. Here's one for today.
I BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW ..
Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T " (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true history of this word.
Neither did I.
I had always thought it was a golf term.0 -
A cowgirl, who moved to Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and
orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip
out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the
bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes
flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in
Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Arkansas,
we promised that we would drink this way to remember the days when we drank
together. So I am drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for
myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same
way, she orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day she comes in
and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice And fall silent. When
she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I
don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences
on your loss."
The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her
eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains. "It's
just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit
drinking. Hasn't affected my sisters, though."0 -
Recieved this in an email:
Subject: Kids !
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
But little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and make love with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to secure the 2008 nomination of Hilary Clinton, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids !0 -
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The lesbian couple that lives next door just bought me a Rolex for my birthday. Very nice but, I think they misunderstood me when I told them "I wanna watch."
[:D]
Feel free to post your own!0 -
Dear Sirs:
> In view of what seems to be happening internationally with
> banks at the
> moment, I was wondering if you could advise me. If one of
> my checks is
> returned marked "insufficient funds," how do I
> know whether that refers to
> me or to You?0 -
Repairing a Marriage Thru Counseling ;-)
A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'
The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'0 -
A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of bucks for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted five dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.
"Will you use it to gamble?" "I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on going down to the range and blasting off a few shots?"
"Are you MAD? I haven't been shooting in 2 years!" The man said,
"Well, I'm not going to give you this five dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."
"Probably!" replied the kind guy "But it's worth it so I can show my wife what someone looks like two years after they stop shooting!"0 -
> >> After all these years, the Bill & Hillary show is still good for a
> >> laugh!
> >>
> >> Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the
> >> first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them. One of
> >> the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers to Bill. At first,
> >> Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back
> >> at the agent, and shakes his head "no."
> >> The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request of the
> >> entire team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy".
> >> Bill hesitates...but begins to change
> >> his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it!
> >> Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ho-Kay! If that is what the
people
> >> want. C'mere Hilly, baby."
> >> With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of
her
> >> pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.
> >> She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "Bill you "!^$#@&!".
> >> The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up & down, cheering,
> >> hooting, and high fiving.
> >> Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd. He leans over to the
> >> agent and says, "How about that! I would have never believed
> >> how much everyone would enjoy that!" Noticing the agent has gone
totally
> >> pale, he asks what is wrong.
> >> The agent replies, "Sir, I said they want you to throw out the first
> >> PITCH."0 -
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the
right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have
beaten
the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating
woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she
missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell
phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her
window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her
to the police station where she was searched, finger printed,
photographed and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a
policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted
back to the booking desk where the arresting Officer was waiting with
her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You
see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn,
flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.
I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus
Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker,
and
the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally...I
assumed you had stolen the car." Priceless.0 -
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun
in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:
"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere
and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
the waiter
"Want coffee."
The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto! ll
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about,
anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says .
"Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
leave mess for others to clean up,
disappear for rest of day.0 -
ATTENTION
ALIENS ARE COMING TO ABDUCT ALL THE GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE.
YOU WILL BE SAFE, I'M JUST EMAILING TO SAY GOODBYE.0 -
A preacher decided his congregation needed some visual aids to understand his sermons about the evils of alcohol and other vices so he prepared the following items. He took 4 glass jars and filled one with chocolate, one with fresh dirt, one with booze, and one with cigarette smoke.Into each he placed a live earthworm . Sunday morning he preached his sermon and concluded with pulling the worms out of each jar .As can be expected all the worms except the one in the jar with the dirt were dead .Speaking to the congregation he asked " what can we learn from this ?"Sister Mabel, age 98, stood up from back of the church and said "If you drink whiskey, eat chocolate and smoke cigarettes you will not have worms!" 0 -
I'm reaching out because a friend of mine needs some help !!!!
His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help
him get an erection.
When he came back, he tossed her some diet pills.
Anyway, he's looking for a place to live.0 -
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair - given that you are blind - that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl
3. I'm a 6' tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times "*0 -
quote:
A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came
upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar
but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as
first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured
Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the
highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw
each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I
yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag
who got what he deserved."
He yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left
wing Commie who isn't even an American.
So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid,
mean-spirited lesbian!
He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a
truck hit us."0 -
Las Vegas Churches
THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.
NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED
SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.
THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.
THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS...!
YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU ? GOTCHA0 -
Some may find this one amusing:
quote:A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes strides toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an jerk!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir."
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for jerk?"
"Well, sir, you know your client better than I do."0 -
MY FORGETTER!! My forgetter's getting better But my rememberer is broke To you that may seem funny But, to me, that is no joke For when I'm "here" I'm wondering If I really should be "there" And, when I try to think it through, I haven't got a prayer! Often times I walk into a room, Say, "what am I here for?" I wrack my brain, but all in vain A zero, is my score. At times I put something away Where it is safe, but, Gee! The person it is safest from Is, generally, me! When shopping I may see someone, Say "Hi" and have a chat, Then, when the person walks away I ask myself "who was that?" Yes, my forgetter's getting better While my rememberer is broke, And it's driving me plumb crazy And that isn't any joke. CAN YOU RELATE??? Please send this to everyone you know because... I DON'T REMEMBER WHO I SENT THIS TO . 0 -
Difference between stop and slow down
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.
He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.
Deputy says,"License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, " You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop,
That's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the
ticket."
Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating
the ever-loving mess out of the lawyer and says,
"Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"0 -
Good joke, but jet fuel is VERY low octane.
Doug0
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