A woman's thanks to the Internet (C&P)

SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one
about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I
now have to use a wet towel with every envelope
that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I
open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to
a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in
the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will
change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill
Gates, Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have
363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.
Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are
actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or
feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even
though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers
only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven
of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca
Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man
along to watch the car so a serial killer won't
crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the
people who make these products are atheists who
refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave
because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup
water in the microwave anymore because it will
blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones
because I could be pricked with a needle infected
with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone
will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx
since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French
and don't support our American troops or the
Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will
ask me to dial a number for which I will get a
phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will
change once I receive my free replacement pair
from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman
Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but
mine because a big brown African spider is
lurking under the seat to cause me instant death
when it bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy
Rooney and Maxine has given us. I can live a better
life now because they've told us how to fix everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever
pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the parking
lot because it probably was placed there by a sex
molester waiting underneath my car to grab my
leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000
people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with
diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this
afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will
infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy
hump. I know this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
beautician.

A South American scientist from Argentina, after
a lengthy study, has discovered that people with
insufficient brain and sexual activity read their
e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too
late......[xx(]