Joke
sorry no time take the >> out.
Hello?"
>>"Hi honey. This is Daddy.Is Mommy near the phone?"
>>"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
>>Paul."
>>After a brief pause,
>>Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
>>Paul."
>>"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with
>>Mommy, right now."
>>Brief Pause.
>>"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put
>>the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on
>>the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car
>>just pulled into the driveway."
>>"Okay, Daddy, just a minute."
>>A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the
>>phone.
>>"I did it, Daddy."
>>"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
>>"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with
>>no clothes on, then she ran around screaming. Then
>>she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
>>and now she isn't moving at all!"
>>"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
>>"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He
>>was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
>>and into the swimming
>>pool. I guess he didn't know that you took out the
>>water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the
>>pool and I think he's dead."
>>***Long Pause***
>>
>>***Longer Pause***
>>***Even Longer Pause***
>>
>>Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?............Is this 486-5731?"
Hello?"
>>"Hi honey. This is Daddy.Is Mommy near the phone?"
>>"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
>>Paul."
>>After a brief pause,
>>Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
>>Paul."
>>"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with
>>Mommy, right now."
>>Brief Pause.
>>"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put
>>the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on
>>the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car
>>just pulled into the driveway."
>>"Okay, Daddy, just a minute."
>>A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the
>>phone.
>>"I did it, Daddy."
>>"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
>>"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with
>>no clothes on, then she ran around screaming. Then
>>she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
>>and now she isn't moving at all!"
>>"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
>>"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He
>>was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
>>and into the swimming
>>pool. I guess he didn't know that you took out the
>>water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the
>>pool and I think he's dead."
>>***Long Pause***
>>
>>***Longer Pause***
>>***Even Longer Pause***
>>
>>Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?............Is this 486-5731?"
0
-
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the
admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to
have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect
at noon the next day.
So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The
Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, 'Before I
let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.'
'No problem,' the man said. 'I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch
hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I
immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as
I searched the entire apartment.
Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony an d
noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve
of that guy!
Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the
ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke
his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more.
In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands
on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the
refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and tipped it over
the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died
almost instantly.'
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day
It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, 'OK, sir. Welcome to the
Kingdom of Heaven,' and let him in.
A few seconds later Donald Trump a r rived at the gates..
'Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like
when you died.'
Trump said, 'No problem. But you're not going to believe this I was on the
balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a
lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got
a little carried away, slipped and accidentally fell over the side!
Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine.
But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts
cussing and stomps on my fingers Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and
bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away.
As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating
pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It
falls the 25 floors and lands on top of m e, killing me instantly.'
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. 'I could
get used to this new policy,' he thinks to himself. 'Very well,' the Angel
announces. 'Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and he lets Trump enter.
A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too
shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's
head. Finally he says, 'Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day
you died.'
Clinton says, 'OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator......'0 -
10 things only women understand. http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/80443432/ 0 -
A woman went to her Health Maintenance Organization. After
about 15 minutes with one of the new doctors, she went
screaming down the hall. Another doctor stopped and asked
her what the problem was and she explained.
The second doctor went back to the first and said, "What's
the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old. She has
four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told
her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor simply smiled and said,
"Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"0 -
Q: What happens when you sing country and western music
backwards?
A: You get your wife, job and dog back. [;)][:o)]
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.0 -
A little humor for friday.
Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, 'I slept with your mother!'
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
The first again yells, 'I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!'
The other says: 'Go home dad, you're drunk.'''0 -
I had not heard this one before. I liked it and thought I would share it.
A redneck was stopped by a game warden in South Carolina recently with two ice chests full of fish.
He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'
'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'
'Pet fish?'
'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home.'
'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then Said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'
'O. K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'
'Well, what?', says the redneck.
The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'
'Call who back?'
'The FISH', replied the warden!
'What fish?', replied the redneck.
Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.
You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.0 -
This would be a lot funnier if there were no chance of it being true!!!
A guy stopped at a local gas station, and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole.
The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man as he tossed the can into a trash container before heading down the road toward the men.
"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"
"Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"
"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy here puts the dirt back.
Elmer's job's been cut ... so now it's just me an' Leroy.0 -
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh please,excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I"m blind & can't see."
"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," replied the bunny. "I'm blind and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and said, "Well, you're soft and cuddly, and you have long silky ears and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!"
The bunny replied, "I can't thank you enough! But by the way, what kind of animal are you?" The snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny
agreed to examine him.
When the bunny was finished, the snake asked, "Well, what kind of an animal
am I?"
The bunny had felt the snake all over, and replied, "You're soft, you're cold, you're slippery and you haven't got any balls. You must be a Democrat."0 -
A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his
wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip
short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by
the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.
"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.
"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy..
"Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.
"But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of
Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other."
"This I gotta see," replied the agent.
With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.
"By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to
Chicago ."
"Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Chicago ?"
The agent replied, "I recognized Obama in the middle."0 -
img]0 -
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.'
The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud.
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs.
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.' The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Roster is squalking and running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 'Dammit..... third gay rooster I bought this month.' Moral of this story? Don't mess with the < B>THE OLDER GENERATION age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance!0 -
A Good Catholic Joke
The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!"
So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!
AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY and there was happiness throughout the land!
Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?0 -
One winter morning at breakfast a couple was listening to the radio. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." The wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10-12 inches of snow today, you will need to move your car to the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through." So the wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12-14 inches of snow today and you must park..." Then the power went off! The wife was very upset. With a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street am I supposed to park on?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, her husband said, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."0 -
Queen Elizabeth
and
Dolly Parton
die on the same day and they both go
before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately,
there's only one space left that day,
so the Angel must decide which of them
gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she
should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says,
"Look at these,
they're the most
perfect breasts
God ever created,
and I'm sure it will please God to
be able to see them every day,
for eternity."
The Angel thanks Dolly,
and asks
Her Majesty the same question.
The
Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse,
shakes it up, and gargles.
Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel
says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."
Dolly is outraged and asks,
"What was that all about?
I show you two
of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down.
She spits into a
commode and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?"
"Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel,
"but even in Heaven,
a royal flush
beats a pair -
no matter how big they are.0 -
Three Southern boys and three Northerners were traveling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station, the three Northerners each buy a ticket and watch as the three Southern boys buy just one ticket.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Northerners. "Watch and learn," answers one of the men from the South. They all board the train and the three Northerners take their respective seats but all three Southern boys cram into a toilet together and close the door. Soon after, the train departs and the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket please". The door opens just a bit and a single arm emerges with the one ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Northerners see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip, but see, to their astonishment, that the three Southern boys don't buy any ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Northerner. "Watch and learn," answers the men from the South. When they board the train, the three Northerners cram themselves into a toilet and the three Southern boys cram into another just down the aisle. Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the Southern boys leaves their toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Northerners are hiding. The Southern boy knocks on their door and says, "Ticket please".0 -
A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for 100
dollars? "Are you nuts?", she replies. And keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before
she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for 1,000 dollars?" he
asks
again. "Listen sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?" So the guy runs
again around the next block and faces her again: "Would you let me bite
your breasts just once for 10,000 dollars?"
She thinks about it for a while and "Hmmm 10,000 dollars, eh? "OK,
just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there"
So they went to that alley and she takes off the blouse to reveal
the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them he jumps
on
them and starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his
face
in them,....but not biting. In the end the woman gets all annoyed and
asks: "Are you gonna bite
them or what?" "Nah", he replies. "Costs too much."
Larry0 -
quote:
A woman was playing golf when she took a big swing and fell. The group waiting on the tee playing behind her was from Washington, DC and included Barack Obama.
Barack quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet. She thanked him and started to leave when he said,"I'm Barack Obama and I hope you'll vote Democratic in the next election".
She laughed and quickly said, "I fell on my ass, not my head !"0 -
Subject: Good Joke! HAAHAA!
Barack Obama was seated next to a little girl on an airplane trip back to Washington. He turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to Obama, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the Obama. "How about What Changes I Should Make To America?" and he smiles.
"OK," she says. "That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl's int elligence, thinks about it for a second and finally says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don't know poop?"0 -
[:D][:D] 0
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