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joke

tomahawk
sorry no time take the >> out.

Hello?"
>>"Hi honey. This is Daddy.Is Mommy near the phone?"
>>"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
>>Paul."
>>After a brief pause,
>>Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
>>Paul."
>>"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with
>>Mommy, right now."
>>Brief Pause.
>>"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put
>>the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on
>>the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car
>>just pulled into the driveway."
>>"Okay, Daddy, just a minute."
>>A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the
>>phone.
>>"I did it, Daddy."
>>"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
>>"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with
>>no clothes on, then she ran around screaming. Then
>>she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
>>and now she isn't moving at all!"
>>"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
>>"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He
>>was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
>>and into the swimming
>>pool. I guess he didn't know that you took out the
>>water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the
>>pool and I think he's dead."
>>***Long Pause***
>>
>>***Longer Pause***
>>***Even Longer Pause***
>>
>>Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?............Is this 486-5731?"
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Comments

199 comments

Date Votes
  • tomahawk
    Four Jewish brothers left home for college to become a lawyer, a doctor, a hedge fund operator, and a retailer. They all prospered. Some years later, chatting after a Channukah dinner, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother.

    The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

    The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

    The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an 600SL with a chauffeur."

    The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loves reading the Torah and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a parrot that can recite the entire Torah.
    It took 20 rabbis 12 years to teach him.
    I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years but it was worth it.
    Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

    Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:

    "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks so much."

    "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes...and the driver is a Nazi. A million thanks."

    "Menachem, you give me a theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. Thanks anyway."

    "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious."
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  • tomahawk
    quote:
    A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbors male dog at her house while they were away on vacation. She had a large house however and believed that she could keep them apart.

    As she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.

    She was unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next. Although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

    Having explained the problem to him, the vet said.. "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw."

    "Do you think that will work?" she asked.

    "It just worked for me" he replied .
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  • tomahawk
    Dear Friends,

    With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who the "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully at age 93.

    The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
    They put his left leg in.

    Then the trouble started. . .


    avatar.jpg

    "If you ain't got pictures, I wasn't there."
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  • tomahawk
    The office manager was putting up Christmas decorations and as she finished she walked back to her office. Two of the guys were looking at her snickering. When she said, What?" One told her she had glitter on her face and boobs.
    She said what does it mean to have glitter on her.
    One of the guys said glitter on the boobs means she went to a tittie bar.
    She then asked what about the glitter on her face?
    The other guy laughed and made the motor boat sound, then both guys almost fell out of their chairs with laughter.
    We will miss them.
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  • tomahawk
    Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender

    The robot says, "What will you have?"

    The guy says, "Martini."

    The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man,

    "What's your IQ?"

    The guy says, "168."

    The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.


    The guy leaves, but he is curious.

    So he goes back into the bar.

    The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"

    The guy says, "Martini."

    Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says,

    "What's your IQ?"

    The guy says, "100."

    The robot then starts to talk about Hollywood, communists, vodka, and kwanzaa.


    The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting,

    so he thinks he will try it one more time.

    He goes back into the bar.

    The robot says, "What will you have?"

    The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.

    The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"

    The guy says, "Uh, about 50."

    The robot leans in real close and says,

    Well, not everyone can be from Chicago, an ACORN member, and happy with OBama!
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  • tomahawk
    I had not heard this one before. I liked it and thought I would share it.

    A redneck was stopped by a game warden in South Carolina recently with two ice chests full of fish.
    He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.

    The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'
    'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'

    'Pet fish?'

    'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home.'

    'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'

    The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then Said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'

    'O. K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'

    The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

    After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'

    'Well, what?', says the redneck.

    The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'

    'Call who back?'

    'The FISH', replied the warden!

    'What fish?', replied the redneck.

    Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

    You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.
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  • tomahawk
    quote:

    A woman was playing golf when she took a big swing and fell. The group waiting on the tee playing behind her was from Washington, DC and included Barack Obama.

    Barack quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet. She thanked him and started to leave when he said,"I'm Barack Obama and I hope you'll vote Democratic in the next election".

    She laughed and quickly said, "I fell on my ass, not my head !"
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  • tomahawk
    This would be a lot funnier if there were no chance of it being true!!!

    A guy stopped at a local gas station, and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

    One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole.

    The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man as he tossed the can into a trash container before heading down the road toward the men.

    "Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"

    "Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the men said.


    "But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"


    "You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy here puts the dirt back.

    Elmer's job's been cut ... so now it's just me an' Leroy.
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  • tomahawk
    Subject: Good Joke! :) HAAHAA!

    Barack Obama was seated next to a little girl on an airplane trip back to Washington. He turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
    The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to Obama, "What would you like to talk about?"
    "Oh, I don't know," said the Obama. "How about What Changes I Should Make To America?" and he smiles.
    "OK," she says. "That could be an interesting topic.



    But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
    Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl's int elligence, thinks about it for a second and finally says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
    To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don't know poop?"
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  • tomahawk
    *Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.*
    **
    *Sleeping Beauty said, 'I believe myself to be the most beautiful
    girl in the world.'*
    **
    *Tom Thumb said, 'I must be the smallest person in the world.'*
    **
    *Quasimodo said, 'I absolutely have to be the most disgusting person
    in the world.'*
    **
    *So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to
    have their claims verified.*
    **
    *Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously
    happy. 'It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world.'*
    **
    *Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, 'I am now officially
    the smallest person in the world.'*
    **
    *Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and
    said: 'Who is Rosie O'Donnell ?'*
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  • tomahawk
    Never fear, the annointed one is back home. [xx(][8]
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  • tomahawk
    A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'

    'What's that mean?' asked the child.

    'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

    The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.'

    Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block..'

    The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'



    The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'
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  • tomahawk
    Three brothers were laid off at the sawmill. They loaded up in the truck and went looking for another job. They tried every place in town but no one was hiring. As a last resort, one suggested they try the airport. The first brother went in the managers office and asked for a job. "What skills do you have?" the manager asked. "Well, I worked at the sawmill for 20 years" said the brother. "I'm sorry, we don't have anything for you" said the manager. The second brother went in and heard the same response. The third brother said "I might as well go ask, too." A while later he came out and said "I got a job!". The first brother said "Why in the world would he hire you and not us?" The third brother said "Well, I told him I was a pilot."
    The second brother said "Yea, but you can't pile it 'til we saw it!"
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  • tomahawk
    Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

    "Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"

    "I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "now get some rest and let the poison work."

    signew.JPG
    aniGif.gif
    "The light that burns twice as bright burns half as long..."

    Visit
    http://www.cafepress.com/RightToBearArms for great Second Amendment Merchandise!
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  • tomahawk
    a farmer walked into a bar,ordered a beer ,got a smoke out but had no lighter. the bartend gave him one from a huge lighter behind the counter. the farmer ask where he got that lighter? the bartend answered,from the genie in that bottle over there. the farmer picked the bottle up and out popped the genie,sayingyou have 1 wish. the farmer replied i want a million bucks.the genie said go home and find your wish.the farmer drove as fast as he could and when he arrived home he seen a million white ducks all over his farm,he turned around and went back to town and told the bartend ,hey , i said a million bucks not ducks. the bartend said ,you don't think i ask for a 12 inch bic do ya[:D]
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  • tomahawk
    Preacher gets wound up and goes on and on about marriage is"Between one man and one woman." Quotes scripture and civil law "One man and one woman." Finally old woman speaks up from back pew. "I don't know how anyone in their right mind would want more than one."
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  • tomahawk
    Just a trying to cool the room off a bit! [:)]

    An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade
    >his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only
    >son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison.
    >The old man wrote a letter to his son and described
    >his predicament.
    >________________________________________________
    >Dear Bubba,
    >I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't
    >be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just
    >getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you
    >were here, all my troubles would be over. I know
    >you would dig the plot for me.
    >Love, Dad
    >________________________________________________
    >A few days later he received a letter from his son.
    >Dear Dad,
    >For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden,
    >that's where I buried the BODIES.
    >Love, Bubba
    >________________________________________________
    >At 4 A.M. the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local
    >police showed up and dug up the entire area without
    >finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man
    >and left. That same day the old man received another
    >letter from his son.
    >_______________________________________________
    >Dear Dad,
    >Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. This was the
    >best I could do under the circumstances.
    >Love, Bubba
    [:D]
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  • tomahawk
    Bob left work one Friday evening.
    But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.

    When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

    He replied, "That would be fine with me."

    Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

    Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

    But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
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  • tomahawk
    Subject: FLAT TUMMY

    A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad
    > >bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried
    > >about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
    > >The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
    > >
    > >The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes
    I
    > >have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
    > >
    > >"You're wasting your time," said the boy.
    > >
    > >"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.
    > >
    > >"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her
    > >knees and blows it right back up."



    .





    Dustin K. Griffin
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  • tomahawk
    A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar. Stinking of
    whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player
    Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.

    "I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was an F-4 driver and
    a Lieutenant Commander in Naval Air, but when they retired the
    Phantom, all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashiered me as well. I
    learned to play the piano at O-Club happy hours, so here I am."

    The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it
    had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business
    was falling off. So, why not give him a try?

    The seedy LtCdr staggered his way over to the piano while
    several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of
    music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of
    soaring music, unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished
    there wasn't a dry eye in the place.

    The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the
    name of the song he had just played.

    It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall
    For You!" said the Commander. After a long pull from the beer, leaving
    it empty, "I wrote it myself."

    The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano
    player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime
    that had the place jumping. After he finished, the fighter
    pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and
    told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light."

    He then excused himself and lurched to the john.

    When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Look fly boy,
    the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is
    hanging out?"

    "Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!".
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  • tomahawk
    A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen." The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "That driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you." [:0]
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  • tomahawk
    Boudreaux staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Thibodeaux. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Clotile.

    He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.

    A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Boudreaux sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting on the Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

    He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.



    In the morning, Boudreaux woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Clotile staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Boudreaux?" Boudreaux said, "Mon cher, why you say such a mean ting?"



    "Well," Clotile said," it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes,but mostly......it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror.
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  • tomahawk
    A woman went to her Health Maintenance Organization. After
    about 15 minutes with one of the new doctors, she went
    screaming down the hall. Another doctor stopped and asked
    her what the problem was and she explained.

    The second doctor went back to the first and said, "What's
    the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old. She has
    four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told
    her she was pregnant?"

    The new doctor simply smiled and said,
    "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
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  • tomahawk
    Now here is one that we all need to remember!



    A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church Services,

    when she was startled by an intruder.

    She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!'

    (Repent and be Baptized,

    in the name of Jesus Christ,

    so that your sins may be forgiven.)

    The burglar stopped in his tracks.

    The woman calmly called the police

    and explained what she had done.

    As the officer cuffed the man to

    take him in, he asked the burglar:

    'Why did you just stand there?

    All the old lady did was yell a

    scripture to you.'

    'Scripture?' replied the burglar.

    'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'

    Send this to someone who needs

    a laugh today and remember:

    Knowing Scripture can save your

    life in more ways than one!
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  • tomahawk
    ...probably a repost.

    A guy walks into a bar in D.C., sits down, and orders a drink. He looks down at the end of the bar, and sees George Bush, and Donald Rumsfeld having a drink. He asks the bartender if that's who he thinks it is, and the bartender says, "Yes, they come in here all the time." So, he walks over to them, introduces himself, and says "Wow. I'm really impressed with the job that you've been doing. But, I have to ask: What do you guys talk about when you're at the bar having drinks?" Rumsfeld responds, "Well buddy, we're talking about World War III. It starts tomorrow." The guy, obviously shocked asks, "What?...How?...What's going to happen?" Bush responds that "Tomorrow we are going to kill 50 million muslims, and one beautiful big-boobed blond." The guy, even more shocked asks, "Well what are you going to kill the blond for?" Bush looked at Rumsfeld and said, "See!!! I told you nobody gives a crap about 50 million muslims."

    Ben
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  • tomahawk
    There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor.

    The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea!"

    The little guy thinks "GHEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."

    So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. All the while thinking, " Why shouldn't I be at the bar if I want to?"

    About and hour later he returns to the bar and walks up behind the big dude and --"WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big fellow off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears!"
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  • tomahawk
    Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.

    "No," said her husband.

    She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

    "Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" she asked.

    "Uh, no," he said.

    She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties
    and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

    "Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 40,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

    "No," he said, now really intrigued.


    "Well go look in the garage..."
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  • tomahawk
    A man approaches a young lady at a bar and says:

    'Gee, you remind me of my little toe.'

    She giggles, and asks:

    'Is that because I'm so small and cute.'

    'No', he replies.

    'It's because I think I'm gonna get drunk tonight and bang you on the coffee-table.'
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  • tomahawk
    Q: What happens when you sing country and western music
    backwards?

    A: You get your wife, job and dog back. [;)][:o)]


    There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
    Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
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  • tomahawk
    A little boy was riding his BMX bike one day in the drive way when the little girl next door asked if she could ride his BMX bike. The little boy said,"You see this, this bike is for boys only. Only boys can have these."

    Well, she went home and told her mommy what he said. The next day he was riding his bike again and the little girl came over on a brand new bike just like his, but with a basket on the front.

    Well this made the little boy upset so he threw his bike to the ground and pouted up to the house.

    He came out a little later with a football. He was tossing it in the air and playing in the yard. The little girl saw him and asked if she could play too. He said,"You see this, this football is for boys only. Only boys can have with these."

    Well like before she ran home and told her mommy what the little boy had said. The very next day the little girl rode her bike over and she had a new football in the front basket of her bike. She gave a smerk to the little boy and tossed her ball in the air giggling.

    The little boy so frustrated, pulled his pants down and pointed to his tally wacker(I guessing this word won't be edited[;)]) and said,"You see this, only boys have these."

    Satisfied he had shown the little girl next door who's boss he pulled his pants up and went inside as she stood there in shock.

    Later that day he was outside on the lawn and the little girl came right over and approached him. She walked up to him with a big grin on her face.

    She pulled her dress up and her panties down and pointed to her private parts and said, " You see this, only girls have these. And my mommy said as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!"[:0]
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