Attack of the Mall Zombies

gecko45 · July 27, 2007 06:21

The mall zombies, you may not have heard of them but I know you have seen them. Emo like teens hanging out in the food court of the mall, punctured all over with piercings and zonked out on sugar and grease. They have that blank stare that all teens have, that far away look as if you are not even there. But beware, they know you are there and are sitting there waiting for the right opportunity to attack.
It was last Sunday and I was patrolling sector gamma alpha zed (food court). I was also training a probie on the correct way to monitor an area. We were undercover that day, no vests, no bdus, radios hidden. My piece was in a fanny pack for easy accessability.
I don't know what set them off; perhaps it was Taco Bell running out of Diet Pepsi. Maybe it was the lack of trays for them to slide on railings with. Whatever it was, something brought them together. As one they all rose and started shuffling towards the bell.
Grabbing the newbie I tossed him behind the counter like a sack of refried beans. Running I did an aerial summersault over the counter myself like a chihuahua on red bull. Grabbing the hot sauce packets, I ripped them open and squeezed the contents into the bean bowls. Placing a lid on each bowl, I stuck a coffee straw down through the middle and lit the gas emitting from them.
Counting to five, I tossed each hot sauce bomb at crowd of zombies. Luck was with me, I took down four in the first shot, but after that they were prepared. The explosions from the sauce started a fire in chick-filla, but I had no time to worry about that.
During this time the probie was on his spec-ops band radio using our priority frequency to call in backup. But alas none was close enough to our mall to arrive in time, we were on our own.
The situation did not look good. Me, a probie and five civilian employees of Taco bell trapped behind the counter. Our help was too far to arrive in time and my Hum-G cart was beyond running distance parked in the service halls. On the other side of the counter was growing crowd of mall zombies, gathering for the kill. I popped my head above the counter and counted seventy-two with more coming every minute.
This was bad, in undercover mode I only had five thirty round clips for my smith. The probie was too new for a tactical weapon, he was carrying a colt police special six shooter with four speedloaders.
Grabbing a double handful of the superhot sauce, I warned the probie to stay put and protect the civilians. Leaping with all my strength I cleared the counter, spraying hot sauce on the zombies as I rolled by them. The probie, seeing my brilliance, followed my lead with the hot sauce spray. But unknowingly he had grabbed the mild sauce and all it did to the advancing zombies was give them a mild indigestion.
Rolling some tables past the bent over zombies, I barricaded the counter of taco bell from the outside. This left me on the wrong side of the barrier. Sweeping the crowd with my smith, I took out seven more zombies.
With a battle cry, I led the zombies away from the bell towards the exit to the service hall. Racing for my life, I sped to the back hall and the safety of my Hum-G. Barely I made it though the doors, letting them swing shut behind me (knocking over three more zombies). Bounding down the hall, I leapt into my cart. Grabbing the AR from under the seat I started the engine of my vehicle. Revving it, I held down the brake to gather maximum momentum for my rescue operation.
The service hall was overflowing with a black cloud of smoke from the tires of my Hum-G. Releasing the brake I hit the doors at fifty, knocking down eight more zombies that were attempting to gain access to the rear hall. Zipping through the mass of zombies, I fired my AR hacking left and right. Steering with my legs, I grabbed my claymore and decapitated a zombie blocking my path. Swinging mightily I severed the arm from another.
Soon I was back at Taco Bell and relocating the tables of the barricade to obstruct access to my Hum-G from the zombies. Turning the Hum-G over to the trainee, I assisted the civilians in boarding the cart. Mounting the rear bumper I ordered the probie to floor it to the main concourse of the mall.
Providing cover fire from my AR, we managed to blast our way past the zombies and hit the straightaway. As we were entering the main concourse, the black suv's and helicopters from the Directorate were arriving. Clean up crews disembarked from the hueys, loaded with duty gear to obliterate the remaining zombies.
Noticing the gathering crowd, I informed them that a gas line had blown in the food court and we needed to evacuate the area. Loading the civilians from Taco Bell into the company ambulances, I knew they would be safe at last. (They were transferred to the El Paso store were nobody would believe them about what happened.)
And that is just another day in the life of a real American hero protecting your security and way of life. Mall zombies stand no chance when the Rapid Mall Tactical Force is on duty.

Attack of the Mall Zombies

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