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daveald
sorry no time take the >> out.

Hello?"
>>"Hi honey. This is Daddy.Is Mommy near the phone?"
>>"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
>>Paul."
>>After a brief pause,
>>Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
>>Paul."
>>"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with
>>Mommy, right now."
>>Brief Pause.
>>"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put
>>the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on
>>the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car
>>just pulled into the driveway."
>>"Okay, Daddy, just a minute."
>>A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the
>>phone.
>>"I did it, Daddy."
>>"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
>>"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with
>>no clothes on, then she ran around screaming. Then
>>she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
>>and now she isn't moving at all!"
>>"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
>>"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He
>>was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
>>and into the swimming
>>pool. I guess he didn't know that you took out the
>>water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the
>>pool and I think he's dead."
>>***Long Pause***
>>
>>***Longer Pause***
>>***Even Longer Pause***
>>
>>Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?............Is this 486-5731?"
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Comments

201 comments

Date Votes
  • daveald
    guy calls 911. Sir What is your emergency? I think my wife is dead. Sir why do you think your wife is dead? Well the sex is the same but the dishes are piling up.
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  • daveald
    Whats the difference between Bachman and Mrs Obama?


























    Playboy and national geographic.[:0]
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  • daveald
    After an evening having sex with a new lover a man looks on her nightstand and notices a picture of a man, worried he asks her:

    "Is that your husband?"

    "No" she answers "I'm not married"

    "Is that your boyfriend?"

    "No, till tonight I haven't been seeing any one"

    "Is that your brother?"

    "No, I'm an only child"

    Then finally he ask "May I ask who that is?"

    She answers.....










    Wait for it.......











    "That's me before the surgery"
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  • daveald
    A nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an
    18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a
    rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write
    with it.

    When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabber-
    gasted teller and without missing a beat, she says: 'Well,
    that's great....some a-s--le got my pen
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  • daveald
    Why do men have 2 heads and a women has 4 lips because men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
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  • daveald
    Guy goes into a ladies lingerie shop,tells the lady he wants a nursing bra.The lady says what bust,the guy says the condom.
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  • daveald
    One day in the future, Barack
    Obama has a heart-attack and
    dies.
    He immediately goes to hell,
    where the devil is waiting for
    him.
    "I don't know what to do here,"
    says the devil. "You are on my
    list, but I have no room for you.
    You definitely have to stay here,
    so I'll tell you what I'm going to
    do. I've got a couple of folks here
    who weren't quite as bad as you.
    I'll let one of them go, but you
    have to take their place. I'll even
    let YOU decide who leaves."

    Obama thought that sounded
    pretty good, so the devil opened
    the door to the first room.

    In it was Ted Kennedy and a
    large pool of water. Ted kept
    diving in, and surfacing, empty
    handed. Over, and over, and
    over he dived in and surfaced
    with nothing. Such was his fate
    in hell.

    "No," Obama said. "I don't think
    so. I'm not a good swimmer, and
    I don't think I could do that all
    day long."

    The devil led him to the door of
    the next room.

    In it was Al Gore with a sledge-
    hammer and a room full of rocks.
    All he did was swing that hammer,
    time after time after time.

    "No, this is no good; I've got
    this problem with my shoulder.
    I would be in constant agony if
    all I could do was break rocks
    all day," commented Obama.

    The devil opened a third door.
    Through it, Obama saw Bill
    Clinton, lying on the bed, his
    arms tied over his head, and his
    legs restrained in a spread-eagle
    pose. Bent over him was Monica
    Lewinsky, doing what she does
    best.

    Obama looked at this in shocked
    disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah
    man, I can handle this."

    The devil smiled and said...........

    (This is priceless...)











    "OK, Monica, you're free to go."
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  • daveald
    TRAFFIC CONTROL


    Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway, but alas, as time went by,
    the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was SO heavy and
    SO fast that his chickens were being run over at the rate of three to six a day.
    So one day, Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got
    to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all
    of my chickens."

    "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

    "I don't care," answered Farmer John, " just do something about those crazy
    drivers!"

    So the next day, the sheriff had the county workers erect a sign that
    said.... SLOW SCHOOL CROSSING.

    Three days later, Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to
    do something about these drivers. The "School Crossing" sign seems to make
    them go even faster."

    So again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new
    sign... SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

    That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called
    every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are
    doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure
    thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let Farmer John do just
    about ANYTHING to get him to stop calling every day to complain.

    The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.

    Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided
    to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers? Did you
    put up your own sign?"

    "Oh, sure I did, and not one chicken has been killed since, but I'm very
    busy and I've got to go," Farmer John replied and hung up.

    The sheriff was really curious now and he though to himself, "I'd better
    go out there and take a look at that sign...it might be something WE could
    use to slow down drivers."
    So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the
    moment he saw the sign.

    It was spray-painted on a sheet of plywood...



    NUDIST COLONY ....


    GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS





    .






    "Sell not virtue to purchase wealth, not liberty to purchase power."
    Benjamin Franklin, 1785
    123div.gif
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  • daveald
    John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets, and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.



    This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.



    John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.



    To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.



    The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.



    Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.





    Vote carefully next year, the bells are not always audible.
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  • daveald
    Let's see how long- or even if- this gets poofed. I've had people in stiches all day with this joke...
    Apologies if it's already been posted.

    -Plink

    Burt always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some
    on sale one day,he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He
    walks into the house and says to his wife, 'Notice anything
    different about me?'

    Margaret looks him over, 'Nope.'

    Frustrated Burt storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

    Again, he asks, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything
    different NOW?'

    Margaret looks up and says, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again Tomorrow.'

    Furious, Burt yells, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

    'Nope,' she replies.

    'IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!'

    To which Margaret replies...'Shoulda bought a hat, Burt. Shoulda bought a hat.'
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  • daveald
    This lady wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in her tree. She looks
    in her phone book and finds a gorilla removal service.
    When she asks if they can remove the gorilla, the service guy
    asks, "Is it a male or female?"
    "Male," she replies.
    "Oh yeah, we can do it. I'll be right there," he states.
    An hour later, the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a
    shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the woman some
    instructions.

    "I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until
    he falls out of the tree. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite
    the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to
    protect himself, allowing you to put the handcuffs on him."
    The woman asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"
    The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before
    the gorilla does, shoot the Chihuahua."



    "Sell not virtue to purchase wealth, not liberty to purchase power."
    Benjamin Franklin, 1785
    123div.gif
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  • daveald
    Polite Way to Call Someone a buzzard after Playing Golf


    A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

    They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

    The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

    As they were walking the eighteenth green, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

    The pro, now flustered and apologetic, offered to return the money. The Priest said, "No, you won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

    The pro said, "Well, Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"













    The Priest said, "You could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them while they're there.
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  • daveald
    A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'

    'What's that mean?' asked the child.

    'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

    The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.'

    Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block..'

    The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'



    The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'
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  • daveald
    An Israeli doctor said to a medical conference, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it into another and have him looking for work in six weeks!"

    The German doctor stood up and said, "Well medicine in my county is so advanced, we can take a lung out of one person and put it into another and have him looking for work in four weeks"

    The Russian doctor got up and said "My country is even more advanced, we can remove half a heart from one person, put it into another person, and have them both looking for work in just two weeks!"

    Not to be outdone, the American doctor stood up and addressed the conference, "Well," he said, "My country is so far advanced in medicine, we can take an jerk out of Chicago, put him in the White House, and have half the country looking for work in 24 hours!"
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  • daveald
    I was talking to a friend of mine's little girl, and she said she wanted to be President some day.

    Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were President,


    what would be the first thing you would do?" She replied, "I'd
    give food and houses to all the homeless people." "Wow - what a worthy goal!" I told her. "You
    don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow, pull weeds,
    and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then, I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy
    hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food or a new house." She thought that over for a few
    moments because she's only 6 years old. And while her Mom glared at me, the young child looked me straight in the
    eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"


    And I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party." Her folks still aren't talking to me.
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  • daveald
    A husband and a wife are trying to set up a password for their new computer.

    The husband puts in MyBallPark Frank and the wife falls on the floor laughing because on the screen it says, Error not long enough.[:)]
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  • daveald
    The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper. St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have pass it before you can get into Heaven." Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here , St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was." St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

    First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
    Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
    Third: What is God's first name?"

    Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

    Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow." The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer.

    How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?" "Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd. . ." "Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind.....but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too.

    Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"? "Sure" Forrest replied, "its Andy." Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?" "Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song. . . ."ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . ."

    St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."


    The gene pool needs chlorine.
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  • daveald
    Two little potatoes are standing
    on the street corner. One is a
    prostitute.

    How can you tell which one is the prostitute?

    You're gonna love it...








    It's the one with the little sticker that says...

    I - DA - HO
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  • daveald
    Subject: Good Joke! :) HAAHAA!

    Barack Obama was seated next to a little girl on an airplane trip back to Washington. He turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
    The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to Obama, "What would you like to talk about?"
    "Oh, I don't know," said the Obama. "How about What Changes I Should Make To America?" and he smiles.
    "OK," she says. "That could be an interesting topic.



    But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
    Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl's int elligence, thinks about it for a second and finally says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
    To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don't know poop?"
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  • daveald
    Salaam alaikum,

    Here's a good one. No offence to anyone, ok?

    A man dashes into the Pope's office, panting, gasping, and trying to speak all at once.

    "What's the matter?" the Pope asks, offering the man a seat.

    "Oh your Grace!" the man exclaims, flopping on the chair. "I have good news and I have bad news. Which would you like to hear first?"

    "Give me the good news," the Pope says.

    "Oh your Grace! JESUS is on the phone and he wants to speak to you!" the panting man exclaims.

    "Praise the Lord!" the jubilant Pope replies, "What could the bad news possibly be?"

    "Your Grace, he's calling from Mecca!" [:D][}:)]
    [:D]
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  • daveald
    The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled,
    'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'.



    He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced,

    'From now on, you need to know that I am the man
    of this house and my
    word is Law.



    You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when
    I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After
    dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of
    sex that I want.

    Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can
    relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
    Then, you will massage my feet and hands.

    Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and
    comb my hair?


    The wife replied, "The f---kin' funeral
    director would be my first guess"...
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  • daveald
    This is for the GD forum

    7:00 P.M. Opening flag burning.

    7:15 P.M. Pledge of allegiance to U.N.

    7:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

    7:30 till 8:00 P.M. Non religious prayer and worship.
    Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton.

    8:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

    8:05 P.M . Ceremonial tree hugging.

    8:15- 8:30 P.M. Gay Wedding-- Barney Frank Presiding.

    8:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

    8:35 P.M. Free Saddam Rally. Cindy Sheehan -- Susan Sarandon.

    9:00 P.M. Keynote speech. The proper etiquette for surrender -- French
    President Jacques Chirac.

    9:15 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

    9:20 P.M. Collection to benefit Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund.

    9:30 P.M. Unveiling of plan to free freedom fighters from Guantanamo
    Bay with Sean Penn.

    9:40 P.M. Why I hate the military, a short talk by William Jefferson
    Clinton.

    9:45 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

    9:50 P.M. Dan Rather presented Truth in Broadcasting award, presented
    by Michael Moore.

    9:55 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

    10:00 P.M. How George Bush and Donald Rumsfeld brought down the World
    Trade Center Towers -- Howard Dean.

    10:30 P.M. Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Mahmud Ahnadinejad.

    11:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

    11:05 P.M. Al Gore reinvents Internet.

    11:15 P.M. Our Troops are War criminals -- John Kerry.

    11:30 P.M. Coronation Of Mrs. Hillary Rodham Clinton.

    12:00 A.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

    12:05 A.M. Bill asks Ted to drive Hillary home!




    ???? Oh also why was this post deleted?
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  • daveald
    An elderly lady was walking on the golf course on the island of Martha's Vineyard . She slipped and fell.

    Obama who was behind her by chance, helped her to get up promptly. She thanked him and he answered "It was a pleasure to help you. Don't you recognize me? I am your president. Are you going to vote for me in the next election? "

    The elderly woman laughed and replied: ''No way, I fell on my but ... not on my head......
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  • daveald
    Subject: The Phone Call


    The phone call

    ((( ring )))


    ((((((((((( ring-g-g-g-g)))))))))))


    ***pick up***


    "Hello?"


    "Hi, honey, this is Daddy .... Is your Mommy near the phone?"


    "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank,"


    After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank,
    honey!


    "Oh Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now!"


    "Uh, Okay, then ... here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run
    upstairs and knock on the bedroom
    door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled
    up outside the house."


    "Okay, Daddy!"


    A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I
    did what you said, Daddy."


    "And what happened?" he asks.


    "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
    ran around screaming, then she
    tripped over the rug and went flying out the front window and now she's
    all dead."


    "Oh my God!!!!! And what about your Uncle Frank?"


    "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and
    he jumped out the back window
    into the swimming pool ... but he must have forgot that last week you
    took out all the water to clean it, so
    he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all real dead too."


    ***long pause***


    ***more pause****


    Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool???? Is this 555-7039?"


    "Sell not virtue to purchase wealth, not liberty to purchase power."
    Benjamin Franklin, 1785
    123div.gif
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  • daveald
    First Irish Farmer:"my cow fell down a hole and i had to shoot it." Second Farmer: Did you shoot it in the hole?" First Irish Farmer: "Nope.....in the head"
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  • daveald
    A grandfather was eating breakfast with his 10 year old granddaughter when he asked if she knew what tomorrow was. Without skipping a beat, she replied "Yes, it's Presidents Day". She is smart, so he asked, "And do you know what that means?" She answered, "Yep, sure do.".

    Waiting, he expected something thoughtful about Reagan, Clinton, Bush or Obama. Instead she continued, "Well, it is when President Obama sticks his head out of the White House and if he sees his shadow, we have another year of cow cookies!".
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  • daveald
    A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States .. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, 'Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country , giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!'
    The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican.'
    The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ' Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !'
    The person says, 'I not American, I Vietnamese.'
    The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you f or the wonderful America !'
    That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am not American!'
    He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an American?'
    She says , 'No, I am from Africa !'
    Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Americans?'
    The African lady checks her watch and says...'Probably at work!'
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  • daveald
    Bubba, an airline mechanic, was bragging to his boss one day. "You know, I
    know everyone there is to know. Just name Someone, Anyone and I know them."

    Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "Okay, Bubba, how about
    Tom Cruise"?

    "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it."

    So, Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door
    and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba ! Great to see You! You and your
    friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

    Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave
    Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was
    just lucky.

    "No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

    "President Bush," his Boss quickly retorts.

    Yep", Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

    So, off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and
    motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise. I was just
    on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a
    cup of coffee first and catch up."

    Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

    After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba,
    who again implores him to name anyone else.

    The new Pope," his boss replies.

    "Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time."

    So, off they fly to Rome.

    Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when
    Bubba says, this will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all
    these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go
    upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

    He disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's.

    Sure enough, half an hour later, Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony.
    But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his Boss has had a heart attack
    and is surrounded by paramedics.

    Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened"?

    His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and The Pope came
    out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, "Who's that on
    the balcony with Bubba"?
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  • daveald
    A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans , with a box of frozen
    crabs, and asked a blond stewardess to take care of them for
    him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's
    refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally
    responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty
    manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what
    would happen if she let them thaw out

    Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before
    landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire
    cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please
    raise your hand?"

    Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

    Two lessons here:

    1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
    2. Blonds aren't as dumb as most folks think.
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  • daveald
    A man stumbles up to the other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "you don't say, I'm from Ireland too! let's have another round for Ireland." "Of course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man, "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, "what school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '65." "This is unbelievable!" the first man says, "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '65." About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "the O"Malley twins are drunk again"
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