American Legion Parting Shots (Humor) Feb 2008 (C&
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
TWO MEN ARE SITTING in a boat on the lake, fishing and drinking beer. Suddenly, Bill confesses, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in nearly six months."
Earl sips his beer. "You'd better think it over. Women like that are hard to find."
A YOUNG BOY was caught cursing by his schoolteacher.
"Jeffrey," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear it?"
"My daddy said it," he responded. "Well, you don't know what it means." "I do too! It means the car won't start."
SUFFERING FROM a bad case of the flu, a man phoned his doctor to get an appointment. When the receptionist informed him of the wait, he became outraged and bellowed, "Two weeks? The doctor can't see me for two weeks? 1 could well be dead by then!"
Calmly, the receptionist replied, "If so, please have your wife call to cancel the appointment."
"HILLARY CLINTON was on 'The View' the other day. She was asking Barbara Walters for advice. A lot of people might not know this, but Barbara Walters was very instrumental in helping to elect William Howard Taft." - Jay Leno
BY THE TIME you make ends meet, they move the ends.
AN OLD MAN went to his doctor complaining of aches and pains all over his body. After a thorough examination, the doctor gave him a clean bill of health.
"You're in excellent shape for an 85-year-old man," he said. "But I'm afraid I can't make you any younger."
"Who asked you to make me younger?" the man replied. "You just make sure I get older!"
AS THE OWNER of a new car, a husband was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prized possession, even to the grocery store a few blocks away. She continued to ask, however, and he finally relented.
"Remember," he warned her as she got behind the wheel, "if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age."
TWO MEN ARE SITTING in a boat on the lake, fishing and drinking beer. Suddenly, Bill confesses, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in nearly six months."
Earl sips his beer. "You'd better think it over. Women like that are hard to find."
A YOUNG BOY was caught cursing by his schoolteacher.
"Jeffrey," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear it?"
"My daddy said it," he responded. "Well, you don't know what it means." "I do too! It means the car won't start."
SUFFERING FROM a bad case of the flu, a man phoned his doctor to get an appointment. When the receptionist informed him of the wait, he became outraged and bellowed, "Two weeks? The doctor can't see me for two weeks? 1 could well be dead by then!"
Calmly, the receptionist replied, "If so, please have your wife call to cancel the appointment."
"HILLARY CLINTON was on 'The View' the other day. She was asking Barbara Walters for advice. A lot of people might not know this, but Barbara Walters was very instrumental in helping to elect William Howard Taft." - Jay Leno
BY THE TIME you make ends meet, they move the ends.
AN OLD MAN went to his doctor complaining of aches and pains all over his body. After a thorough examination, the doctor gave him a clean bill of health.
"You're in excellent shape for an 85-year-old man," he said. "But I'm afraid I can't make you any younger."
"Who asked you to make me younger?" the man replied. "You just make sure I get older!"
AS THE OWNER of a new car, a husband was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prized possession, even to the grocery store a few blocks away. She continued to ask, however, and he finally relented.
"Remember," he warned her as she got behind the wheel, "if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age."
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