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A day at the hospital - not what i expected

mrmike08075
I went in this morning to see the oncologist for a consult and did labs and blood work

He says if I can go 15 months without issues he will pronounce me cured of cancer

Stage IV colon rectal cancer - massive tumor - spread to the lymph nodes - brain tumor - etc...

I went down to the infusion room were I had my chemo - oddly empty

I sat down and just let my eyes wander - closed my eyes to think

This place holds no fear for me - it scares me not - I feels warm and welcoming and safe to me - like a second home

A nurse I did not know came in to check on me - see if I had an appointment - I told her why I was visiting

Then it hit me - all the faces and voices of those who I watched die - the suffering of others - being unable to help

Time slowed down and things got sharp and crisp and bright - I had great clarity - my decision tree simplified - I had more direct access to clear thought

Then I sat on the nearest infusion chair and struggled with my emotions - could not maintain composure - sat there and cried

At some point you must move on from such places of care and the people who take care of you during the worst time in your life

They must care for others

That is proving hard

Also had to yield to it after visiting the kids on the oncology ward - after I left I found a bathroom and just cried for awhile

Why can I provide no aid or comfort that would take away the pain - why must death come to them

It's been a long time since I rode the tic or was in the zone that deep - a bar fight once - once in a car that rolled - defending myself at gunpoint - climbing down the outside of a 3 story building that was on fire...

I will keep visiting the kids - but I wish I could make my peace with it

Mike
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Comments

8 comments

Date Votes
  • bpost
    You Sir, have my deepest respect and admiration tho we have never met I feel bonded to you. Your post has left me with tears of joy in my eyes. Godspeed.
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  • 84Bravo1
    quote:Originally posted by bpost
    You Sir, have my deepest respect and admiration tho we have never met I feel bonded to you. Your post has left me with tears of joy in my eyes. Godspeed.



    Well said.

    +1

    Utmost Respect Mike.
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  • Ditch-Runner
    I could not have written any thing better

    quote:Originally posted by bpost
    You Sir, have my deepest respect and admiration tho we have never met I feel bonded to you. Your post has left me with tears of joy in my eyes. Godspeed.
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  • Alpine
    Those are all "normal" reactions.
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  • mrmike08075
    Because we have snow tomorrow and Thursday the hospital was packed

    I went in at 6am so I could visit the chapel and talk to Rabbi and to check in with the kids

    I saw a lot of the nurses and stopped to visit or say hello - all happy to see me and saying how well I look with my hair healthy and tied back - the red beard filling in nicely - face scarred and pocked but looking clean

    Backpacks everywhere - go bags aplenty with nurses - patients - and staff - pink ribbons flying

    Stopped and watched a cancer patient orientation class were 3 of the checklist handouts were written by me

    A library shelf full of books I donated with my name on a brass plaque

    I realize that while under a death sentence and the devils scythe a whisper as it swings behind me - under pain and suffering while my body broke down I poured my heart and soul into helping that place and those people

    Maybe death panic causing me to need to make my mark before being buried six feet under

    I am invested in its architecture

    Mike
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  • mrmike08075
    I know not the name of the phenomenon

    I had heard and read about it as a kid - from combat veterans and first responder and professional athletes

    The first time it happened to me was at 4 position 100 yd smallbore regionals at blue trail range in Connecticut (Dave and Debbie Lyman's place)

    I fell into that practiced patterned rhythm - part experience and training and part autonomic reflex - I felt oddly preternaturally calm and my heart seemed to slow down and my breaths seem to come farther apart - I was in the kneeling position in full comp gear with a 13 lb rifle

    Sweat running down my face - legs cramped and muscles screaming - the ambient noise in the background

    The pain receded - my mind went calm and quiet - colors got bright - I felt centered and had no worries only the joy of the shot

    The rate the bbl bounced onto and below the target as my heart beat slowed - shot timing became easier - I had a runners high and an endorphin rush

    One of the coaches was a French national and a former legion sniper - he called it riding the tique - or tick / when time slows down and all cylinders are firing

    I don't know what you guys call it - but I know you have felt it

    Mike
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  • montanajoe
    • Community moderator
    God Bless,,[:)][:)][:)][:)]
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  • mrmike08075
    I still have a broken crippled dysfunctional shell of a body to work on improving - and let's not kid ourselves - cancer will be back and will kill me - I have to see it that way but I can't let it haunt every moment

    If the brain tumor had been active and malignant I was planing on visiting Nord after finishing hospice

    Glad that's on hold or off the table for now

    And OMG my oncologist tells me hipsters and millenials and old or sick men are getting the young blood treatment to slow aging and avoid cancer

    They are paying for transfusions of blood from children - Vlad tepes indeed - vampires are real

    There is a company harvesting and selling it - apparently there was a skit on Saturday night live about it

    Ponder that one.

    Mike
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