Unhappy health status update...sigh
I had a meeting with several members of the team in a conference room at the hospital...
Primary care Doc and oncologist and nurse advocate and physical therapist and nutritionist and social worker and a senior floor nurse manager...
They want to classify me as permanent disabled.
They say that I should stop selling off all of my possessions - they say I can work some part time jobs as long as I earn under a certain benchmark...
They tell me that further recovery if possible may take years of dedicated effort...
They say if I returned to work even at a 40 hour a week desk job right now it would kill me...
They have all prepared documents that should make obtaining social security disability status easier (takes a year)
The girls think it's best - that not having the crushing weight of being a financial burden to everyone - not continuously being forced to sell off everything I own - having an entitlement income and access to some programs that might help me is the best way to go
My parents agree - they see me getting angry and hostile and depressed and withdrawn - they see me fighting hard against the world and know that it's futile and I am hurting myself
I did not ask for this - I do not want this - I am scared by it and feel that I will be diminished as a man if I take this step
I am at a loss - I have a ball of rage and anger and fear and guilt in the pit of my stomach - I am ashamed.
Mike
Primary care Doc and oncologist and nurse advocate and physical therapist and nutritionist and social worker and a senior floor nurse manager...
They want to classify me as permanent disabled.
They say that I should stop selling off all of my possessions - they say I can work some part time jobs as long as I earn under a certain benchmark...
They tell me that further recovery if possible may take years of dedicated effort...
They say if I returned to work even at a 40 hour a week desk job right now it would kill me...
They have all prepared documents that should make obtaining social security disability status easier (takes a year)
The girls think it's best - that not having the crushing weight of being a financial burden to everyone - not continuously being forced to sell off everything I own - having an entitlement income and access to some programs that might help me is the best way to go
My parents agree - they see me getting angry and hostile and depressed and withdrawn - they see me fighting hard against the world and know that it's futile and I am hurting myself
I did not ask for this - I do not want this - I am scared by it and feel that I will be diminished as a man if I take this step
I am at a loss - I have a ball of rage and anger and fear and guilt in the pit of my stomach - I am ashamed.
Mike
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quote:diminished as a man
Bull. Period. Just period, Mike.
You have played the cards you have been dealt. From what I have seen of you here, you have played them QUITE well.
If the dealer hands you an offsuit 2-7 in Texas Hold'em, that does not change you.0 -
You're just being prideful now.
The prognosis is that you're going to LIVE!
Up to you to decide how.
I've greatly admired your strength and outlook about this disease.
Take the next step, you've earned it!0 -
Considering the ferocity of the illness and the significant treatment and hospitalization you have endured I am actually surprised you were not already on the process to get disability.
My BIL was fast tracked prior to his passing.
If I understand correctly sometimes getting on disability still takes a year to get on Medicaid/care but sometimes not?
Either way the entire purpose of disability is to provide an income for those who can no longer work. If the doc says you can't work so be it.0 -
Meeting at the hospital was a reality check. Sometimes in life you don't want to hear the facts. Fact is you are lucky to be alive. So many times I got on this forum thinking the worse and reading of your struggle. Now suck it up and do what the dr's and folks think what is best. There is no loss of dignity staying alive. 0 -
Take it easy on yourself, Mike. Folks in your predicament are exactly the ones that truly need assistance and the type that I have no trouble with when they receive it. You're not a slacker looking for an easy way out, you've clawed your way through this thing with what I can only describe as awe inspiring courage. What the docs have learned from you may help save countless others in the future.
After what you've been through and what you deal with on a daily basis no one is going to think less of you.0 -
^^^What Neo stated above Mike. Situations like yours are the reason that system was established. You're not one of the myriad of oxygen thieves that populate the SSDI program. You've fought the fight, done this all on your own, and paid your dues. Just my thoughts, reach out for the help available. 0 -
quote:Originally posted by select-fire
Meeting at the hospital was a reality check. Sometimes in life you don't want to hear the facts. Fact is you are lucky to be alive. So many times I got on this forum thinking the worse and reading of your struggle. Now suck it up and do what the dr's and folks think what is best. There is no loss of dignity staying alive.
Bingo! We have a winner!0 -
Mike, you are not at an end to your life style.
You are at the start of a new meaning of life.
I was the biggest, baddest worker you ever saw,
When I was involved with cars and racing, I did it to the fullest.
When I got into auto parts/speed equipment sales, I was the best there was.
When I got into guns, I jumped in with both feet.
When in charge of multi-million dollar construction, I made the most profit.
Then a massive heart attack and medical troubles hit me, every thing
stopped.
I made {or it was made for me}, the realization that I had so much
knowledge, life experiences, a clear mind, that I turned to teaching, and helping newbies in their life travels.
Spread your life's little learning's to others.
Some thing as simple as telling young gun nut, "take this screw out first, and the stock comes off easier", will be a big joy for you and the newbie.
Stay strong, live on.
Bob0 -
It's not entitlement when you're truly justified to receive it. And it sounds like you're truly justified receiver. 0 -
Mike you will never be the same again. Ever. Trust me i know. All my doctors wrote notes saying that i can not sit, stand, lay, walk for more than 30 minuets at a time.
I have to move like a wiggle worm so i do not start hurting. When i go fishing with my friend on a boat i can only fish about 4 hours and the next 3 days i am housebound.
I am as good as i am going to be today. I am on 60mg of morphine a day and 60mg of oxycodone a day and my pain is a 3 to a 6 everyday. I take medicine for depression. 3 different kinds and i know i need it.
It is what it is. Im lucky to be here. I have 4 kids and 5 grand babies and i am glad i am here to see them.
They think my arthritis came from my chemo which was cisplatin. Arthritis was why my knees were replaced.
I have spots on my lungs that they do a cat scan on every year and they always write down i have arthritis in my back.[:(]
About every 2 months i am getting shots in something to try and make it feel better.
I went from making great money to cancer in 1 week. It is what it is.
Today is Wed and i have not walked outside this week yet. Im hurting because of the rain. I have a lot of stuff i want to do in my shop but i have not felt like it.
I will get to it when i feel like it.
Thats the best i can do.0 -
I have fought so hard - I have pushed physical therapy to the point I collapse...
I have done everything I could do - and owned it and hit it hard
I have given 120% for over a year - I have eaten write - I take supplements - shakes - copper and magnet therapy - I do intermittent fasting and avoid high fructose corn syrup
What I have to give is not enough to progress much more
I have been fighting against this - I didn't want this - I don't want to live like this
It's hard.
Mike0 -
Sometimes the fight to live gets in the way of living.
I hear you.
After my wife died 5 years ago, while I was in bad medical sharp also,
I decided to go live, not just survive.
I sold the house on 8 acres of land. I sold {really just gave it away}
My 12' x 30' shop with most of my tools and machinery.
When the house mover that came to move it saw what was inside he
thought I was crazy.
I Bought a 30' fifth wheel rv and moved into a real nice rv park
in the middle of the woods between nashville and knoxville.
After living there 6 months my blood pressure dropped 30 points.
The doctors couldn't believe how well I was doing.
No stress was the answer, living every day to have fun and enjoyment.
My biggest problem was deciding: Hot tub today or the saltwater pool?
Fire up the bbq or go over to the campground lodge for a burger?
Point I'm trying to make is Go live your life as best you can for YOURSELF.
I know it really sucks when the only thing you think about is the pains and waiting for your next doctor visit.
You have to live and do things other than just opening mail from
the hospital and doctors offices. I did that for 2 years and never
again!
If you wish to talk, I'll post my email address and then send my phone number.
Just let me know, I'm a great listener and maybe I can make you
laugh once or twice.
Bob0 -
quote:entitlement income
Dumb ass ! Sorry, but SSDI (Social Security Disability Insurance) is NOT an entitlement program. It is part of the Social Security system which you likely paid into since you were 16 years old unless you spent your life earning cash money out of the trunk of your car.
Read my lips : NOT an entitlement program ! You paid into it just like if you would have taken out private disability insurance. YOU PAID FOR IT ! The sooner you get the paperwork filled out and down to the SS office the better. There is a time limit. I tried everything to stay off SS and like you I sold everything I had of value. When I finally got to a point I had to apply I was informed that I waited too long to file from the last date I had paid in SS . I ended up on SSI and lost 10's of thousands in benefits. Get filed before that happens to you if it already hasn't.0 -
This is exactly what SSI Disability is for.
Men and people just like you.
Unless you've been a slug, or a Leach on society and never paid into SSI, you are eligible for it. TAKE IT!
I know many people that have and do take great advantage of the system, but the system is there for a guy like you.
Best of luck,
Ed0 -
quote:Originally posted by NeoBlackdog
Take it easy on yourself, Mike. Folks in your predicament are exactly the ones that truly need assistance and the type that I have no trouble with when they receive it. You're not a slacker looking for an easy way out, you've clawed your way through this thing with what I can only describe as awe inspiring courage. What the docs have learned from you may help save countless others in the future.
After what you've been through and what you deal with on a daily basis no one is going to think less of you.
My thoughts exactly.
No one will think less of you. YOU, most assuredly should not.0 -
quote:Originally posted by gearheaddad
This is exactly what SSI Disability is for.
Men and people just like you.
Unless you've been a slug, or a Leach on society and never paid into SSI, you are eligible for it. TAKE IT!
I know many people that have and do take great advantage of the system, but the system is there for a guy like you.
Best of luck,
Ed
+$15,000
At age 59, I had to stop working. I applied for disability.
Automatic declined.
Bitched about the decline.
SSI sent me to one of their doctors.
"raise your right arm...raise your left arm...lift your right leg..
lift your left leg." "read that eye chart"
That was my total exam!!
I asked about taking my blood pressure, listening to my bad heart valves, joint and muscle loss of use.
"No we're done"
That's when I got a lawyer.
Went before a judge, The judge had a laptop in front of him,
"let me understand this, Mr.Bob Bxxxxxxx, You worked and paid in since
1971 and only missed 1 year since then?"
"Yes your honor, I stopped working for one year in 1977 to take care of my dying mother"
"You paid in for over 40 years"?
" yes your honor"
The judge then turned to the representative from SSI and asked:
"at 60 years old can Mr. Bob Bxxxxx be retrained for a job with his
medical conditions?"
The judge had fireballs shooting out of eyes when he asked!.
"no your honor, he can not."
{there was no other answer to be said!}
"Give that man all his back payments and right away, NO delays"
It took 23 months from start to finish to get my benefits.0 -
Stick your pride away and take the disability. You earned it my friend. Your not a bum or looking for a handout. This is exactly why they created disability. If I was standing next to you right now, I would give you a "Gibbs Slap", you stubborn mule. Work when you feel up to it and do what you like. Your support system is in place, so don't turn your cheek on them. Your pride will kill you faster than the cancer buddy. Prayers and good thoughts coming your way. Oakie 0 -
It's a fundamental paradigm shift from who I was as a man to something less - and it's difficult for me...
It feels like giving up - or taking a knee.
It's hard to reconcile that nothing I can or will do can change the outcome...
I am not dealing with this well
Mike0 -
quote:Originally posted by Barzillia
quote:Originally posted by mrmike08075
It's a fundamental paradigm shift from who I was as a man to something less - and it's difficult for me...
It feels like giving up - or taking a knee.
It's hard to reconcile that nothing I can or will do can change the outcome...
I am not dealing with this well
Mike
So be more.
Although the brevity of Barz's response may have sounded harsh, he's right here. You have a chance to be more. Not one person here thinks less of you, and I'm willing to bet not one of your loved ones doesn't look up to you. You're going through the normal psychological stages, you have friends and loved ones near and far, and we're all cheering you on.
So as Barz said, be more.0 -
quote:Originally posted by mrmike08075
It's a fundamental paradigm shift from who I was as a man to something less - and it's difficult for me...
It feels like giving up - or taking a knee.
It's hard to reconcile that nothing I can or will do can change the outcome...
I am not dealing with this well
Mike
It sounds like you've already gave up, don't do that. Just figure this is temporary until your health is good enough to go back to work... Which may take years, but it will happen
But if you sit around moping about this little setback, and not keep on trying your hardest like you have been, it could be a permanent thing.
There's no shame in admitting that you're a normal human being and not a Superman. And when you admit that, then you have the power to move on and change your present situation. But that won't happen if you continue to believe that you are a superhuman that is a failure
And it is okay to take a knee to pray for help from your higher up, and I highly encourage you to do so
Hang in there brother, we are all with you and pulling for you. We have faith that you'll overcome this as long as you don't give up.
So restore in yourself that faith that we have in you, and get back to work rebuilding your body and fight fight for what you want, which is to become as whole as you can be,0 -
quote:Originally posted by mrmike08075
It's a fundamental paradigm shift from who I was as a man to something less - and it's difficult for me...
It feels like giving up - or taking a knee.
It's hard to reconcile that nothing I can or will do can change the outcome...
I am not dealing with this well
Mike
Different scale for me, Mike, but accepting a new normal is difficult.
Frankly, I don't think I will ever fully accept the limitations and inconvenience inherent in the day-to-day, but I no longer have 'Poor Don' moments.
While I would much prefer things to have turned out differently, frankly, it is what it is.
It seems I will have to have major surgery every few years to repair things. I suppose if I choose to give up anything that is remotely strenuous this wouldn't be the case, but that would mean giving up much of what brings meaning to my life.
You will get past the anger, fear, and shame. Perhaps you will never get to the point where you do not feel diminished as a man, but if you are anything like you seem to be, it will be something you will easily live with.
Still pulling for you, friend. Keep up the good fight, and, if I may be so bold, spend more time considering the positives and what you can do and do not give voice to the negatives and what you cannot do.0 -
My friend Mike - you have cheated death, you are not cheating being on SSDI.
You paid in and this is the situation it is intended for.
Feel good, even proud about how hard you have worked and fought through this. Be happy about the folks that have supported you.
Don?t worry about being on SSDI, worry about how you can take the time you?ve been given to apply your knowledge of language and guns and work at something you enjoy.
Besides you are now an example to the kids on the children?s ward of someone that came out of the other end of the tunnel that they are in. Show them how they also can work hard and fight their way through!0 -
I have tried to keep me head up and stay in the ring for over two years...
This one is tough for me - it's going to require a fundamental shift in how I see things.
I just want to be able to work or drive or earn my keep.
Mike0 -
I appreciate the responses and the advice.
Truth be told I have been somewhat depressed and withdrawn and emotional and moody for awhile
I spent 14 days in the hospital in January - two ambulance rides
My armor and resolve and spirit have chunks and dips and shadows sometime
It's hard some nights.
Mike0 -
quote:Originally posted by mrmike08075
I have tried to keep me head up and stay in the ring for over two years...
This one is tough for me - it's going to require a fundamental shift in how I see things.
I just want to be able to work or drive or earn my keep.
Mike
With hard work you will be able to go back to work or drive or earn your keep as you say, but you got to work hard at it and put your mind in the right frame to do it. And not bringing in any money is not helping your frame of mind. And if you file for disability, you will be bringing money in and have that worry lifted off of you
Get on disability and don't worry about it. You paid into it just in case you needed it, now you do need it. Don't think of it as a welfare check, because it's not. it's just an insurance payout that you have paid into for years that you have coming. It's not a handout, it's just receiving what you paid in for what you paid in at for0
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