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Im Mad At Myself

dav1965
Since Friday i can not get me having cancer out of my mind. Wednesday i had 3 biopsies and the doctor was concerned about 2. Out of the 2 he was worried about a spot on the corner of my mouth.

1 place he biopsied just because he was curious of what it was.

You have no idea the thoughts that go through your mind when you have had cancer before and they tell you that you might have it again.

Even though he tells you that it will not be as bad as last time how bad will it be?

When you have been through hell on earth how can you imagine going back?

Just a lot of bad thoughts and some anger involved in me right now.

Might have to go hit the heavy bag for a few. That always makes me feel better. It hurts my hands though. LOL

Im mad at being week now.
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Comments

4 comments

Date Votes
  • ltcdoty
    Prayers sent.....
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  • mrmike08075
    Dave,

    People will look upon us and see us as strong or tough or possessing heroic super powers...

    The truth is that we were stupid and stubborn more frightened of death than the vision in our minds eye of the pain and suffering resulting from the radiation treatment and chemotherapy

    The struggle for us now - the internal internecine war we face is that we know all to well what is coming now - what's around the corner or over the hill

    I have nightmares and periods were the ability to sleep escapes me - when I cannot switch off my brain or change the channel or turn my thoughts to another subject

    Facing what might come - facing what may be can be bolstered by ignorance and the bliss that comes with it

    -facing it now with a full understanding of what is coming and what the true definition of pain and suffering are in the real world - not in some epic romantic poem is the true test of strength and resolve and fortitude

    Instead of experience somehow providing solace or equipping us with an invisible armor it instead has stripped away the fog of war and allowed true and clear foresight

    But it's OK Dave, because we are still to stubborn to die and to stupid throw in the towel

    Some might be jealous of those who no longer fear death - but the reality is that it makes the precipice that much harder to stand on and to look over with open eyes

    You still got this Dave - you got it beat and you own it.

    Fear is a tough - a harsh mistress but at this point we welcome some fear and some pain - as proof of life and as badges of honor awarded / earned in the fight

    I hear you Dave - I am listening - and my hand is free if you feel the need to reach out

    You control your own destiny.

    I salute you - your fight is honorable.

    Mike
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  • jwb267
    Dav
    I don't know how you feel, but I know how I felt when my wife found a lump in her breast shortly after her mother had both breasts removed for cancer
    we hadn't been married that long and just the thought scared me. we would sit and look at each other and wouldn't say a word but watch the tears roll down each others cheek.
    all I can say is think positive and prayer works

    everything will be fine. have faith. you are in my prayers
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  • 84Bravo1
    Wishing the best for You Dave. Hang tough Brother.

    -Ken-
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