Just My Thoughts On Suicide
I have had 2 thoughts on suicide before cancer and after cancer.
Before cancer i thought that all suicide was wrong. That was what i was taught at church and at a christian school.
After going through stage 4 cancer, 5 or 6 surgeries along with chemo/radiation. During the year i was sick i hurt more than anyone could imagine. I prayed most days to let God come get me.
That was 2010. 8 years later i am still in pain everyday. On a good pain day its only a 3. Bad days pain is a 6 or 7.
The bad thing is every month my pain is worse than the month before. It keeps getting worse. After beating cancer they call your status a new normal. My new normal is painful.
My cousins husband had a very bad back with several surgeries. He was in pain all the time. He tried to kill himself before but it failed. The second time he tried he used a gun and was successful.
My Uncle and i are very close. He married my Moms sister. He told me that he did not understand how someone could hurt themself. I told him you know i was raised that suicide was wrong but i have changed my mind.
I explained to him waking up every day, every hour, every minuet and every second hurting. I told him it wears you down.
I told him whats worse is the next month the pain gets worse and worse and before long its so big you can not tote the pain anymore.
My Uncle thought about it and changed his mind about suicide that day.
If you have not experienced massive pain its hard for people to understand.
I have played football with broke fingers taped together. I was a wide receiver and cornerback. Baseball with a broken hand. Car wrecks where someone died and nothing is like the pain i am in now.
I am not smart enough to use the words that can explain the pain im in.
Before cancer i thought that all suicide was wrong. That was what i was taught at church and at a christian school.
After going through stage 4 cancer, 5 or 6 surgeries along with chemo/radiation. During the year i was sick i hurt more than anyone could imagine. I prayed most days to let God come get me.
That was 2010. 8 years later i am still in pain everyday. On a good pain day its only a 3. Bad days pain is a 6 or 7.
The bad thing is every month my pain is worse than the month before. It keeps getting worse. After beating cancer they call your status a new normal. My new normal is painful.
My cousins husband had a very bad back with several surgeries. He was in pain all the time. He tried to kill himself before but it failed. The second time he tried he used a gun and was successful.
My Uncle and i are very close. He married my Moms sister. He told me that he did not understand how someone could hurt themself. I told him you know i was raised that suicide was wrong but i have changed my mind.
I explained to him waking up every day, every hour, every minuet and every second hurting. I told him it wears you down.
I told him whats worse is the next month the pain gets worse and worse and before long its so big you can not tote the pain anymore.
My Uncle thought about it and changed his mind about suicide that day.
If you have not experienced massive pain its hard for people to understand.
I have played football with broke fingers taped together. I was a wide receiver and cornerback. Baseball with a broken hand. Car wrecks where someone died and nothing is like the pain i am in now.
I am not smart enough to use the words that can explain the pain im in.
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quote:Sickness and pain is nothing new.
If suicide for those reasons was appropriate, it would have been recommended in scripture, and the Christ would have assisted.
There are reasons for everything, including the circumstances that beset us.
Spoken like a good Christen who believes everything that happens is God's will. Is that the same God who is all caring and all loving . Is that the same God who is all powerful and can heal at will.
No reply needed - I don't involve myself in religious debate. To each his own. I am simply not a believer . Not meant to be an offender of those who do.
At 3:00 am and 30 hours without sleep while rocking yourself back and forth with tears running down your face and feeling your body is on fire from pain, it just for me is hard to see the point your loving God is trying to make.0 -
Afte watching my father suffer from cancer and the pneumonia that finally claimed his life, I came to the conclusion that there is sometimes a fine line between the practice of medicine and the practice of torture. 0 -
quote:Originally posted by lkannes
Afte watching my father suffer from cancer and the pneumonia that finally claimed his life, I came to the conclusion that there is sometimes a fine line between the practice of medicine and the practice of torture.
My friend's father died from stomach cancer. He did not blissfully OD and pass away, he went out screaming and crying in horrendous pain. So I agree with you.0 -
None of us have any base from which to judge. And none of us can truthfully say how we'd feel if it happened to us. We all live behind our own eyes and nobody else's. 0 -
I am ready to stand before god and be judged.
While perhaps not today - I may reach the point were I choose the time to meet my maker.
I was well on the path of righteousness before cancer arrived - not one who turned to god in fear and pain and begged for forgiveness for past behavior or promised servitude in return for more time and less pain
If anything what I have been through only strengthened my resolve to be a man and to do right by others and help those in need - as part of a death spiral rage against the machine - not out of love or fear of god or his will or his judgement
And I discarded and sloughed off anger at my own pain - anger at the loss of time on this earth / within this mortal coil
My anger is at a god who allows this to happen to me or others - especially the children I struggle to help but am unable to bring to health or offer solace or shield from pain or trade my time to provide them with more turns of the hands of the ultimate clock
I have performed a ballet / a martial art form staying a hairsbreadth ahead of deaths embrace or the sweep of his scythe - and it is mine to decide if I turn to embrace him - to dance with death and end the pain
I have burned in perditions flame already
I struggle to show others that they can too - that that path is open to them - not for my own betterment
I have earned the right to end this if I so choose - regardless of god's plan
This knowledge as always come at a price - and I have paid in full twice over
I do not judge those who choose to end their pain but I fear for those who seek to deny their hard earned right
And as educated and well read as I may be - nothing I can say will allow you to see what pain and suffering is - only the magic ability to share my pain even if only briefly - to allow you to momentarily see through my eyes and feel with my body and walk my path would would allow you to understand - but that would be an unforgivable act and I wish that experience on no man
Mike0 -
Leave it to BARZ to decide for us what should or should not be in the bible. I doubt if God forgot anything. It is not forbidden. 0 -
I am in Pain near every day. Not close to what you and a few others on here are going thru.
Knowing that there are others that continue on, keeps me going.0 -
not to start getting too religious but from what I understand way back when the promise of a great life after death better than anything on earth no pain all joy and so on with all that heaven will be , is beyond what we can imagine how wonderful ,
too many stared killing them self off to leave the rotten life they had here on earth to speed up the process to a better place .
so the church had to react and added in suicide is a sin to prevent people from doing it
having the church congregations killing them self to get to a better promised eternity with there loved ones free of of the mortal problems and pain does not keep the church full and dead do not bring in revenue [}:)]0 -
quote:For after death, there is the judgement.
And as was once written "Judge not and you shall not be judged.
Perhaps the big difference is that I believe after death there is only the darkness I knew before birth. Again, to each his own - good luck with your concept, I am comfortable with mine.
I see no reason for birth for those who some entity has knowledge of, and power over, their suffering in life and after death. I do not see love in such an entity who would know that failure to live to their standard was inevitable.
I also feel that if I should suffer the punishment of such an entity that I have lived my life with a consideration for others that would meet a standard such that I will not suffer nearly alone if there is such a judgement coming.
I fear nothing but the pain that tomorrow brings. I have no fear of the darkness, nor the judgement you speak of.0 -
So should it be my god why hath though forsaken me???
I don't have Job's temperament - and while I find god's garden full of weeds my anger with him does not invalidate my beliefs in scripture or the comfort I have taken in the past as a Roman Catholic - apostolic - lapsed heretical lost soul
The good book - his word - is replete with the stories of those whom have questioned our lords existence and design - did not job question his trials and tribulations...
I can quote you chapter and verse - book by book - canon or non
I am trapped in my own endless book of job - my personal Dante's inferno meets groundhogs day - and like job I am angry and I have questioned his words and his books and his deeds
He may smite me or visit a plague of locusts upon me or extend my suffering as he chooses
It's not my soul or pain or crippled mangled ruined shell that I sought justice for - that I sought to succor...
It's allowing better than I to wither and die - children who have yet to sin - it's over my inability to help restore their health or dispel their agony
And if I could take their pain away by taking it on myself - I would do so. If I could trade my remaining time for their benefit I would do so.
Do you think that those whom offer hospice - who assist in that final escape from pain - those doctors and nurses will be turned away by saint Peter at the gates - that god will deny them heavens entrance???
If you do than I pity you - your soul is blackened and you are doomed to purgatory or hell
Mike0 -
I have asked why - but there has been no response - no reply - no visions or prophecy - I have seen no signpost or guiding light.
Have asked is key - I no longer search for or the why of it - I no longer question the underlying reasons or part in the plan
I gave that up when the brain tumor appeared
I will tilt at that windmill no more - roccinante is a dead horse and beating him now does not enable him to carry me further
I no longer chase my personal white whale
My disfigurement is a scarlet letter
Why ask why
Mike0 -
That's well and good.
I speak for the voiceless - I speak for the nameless - I speak for my brethren - for the members of a fraternal society no one seeks to join and no offer of membership is extended
My voice cries out for them - I am their flaming beacon in the night - their coastal lighthouse bastion or redoubt standing against the fury of the storm
I am charging the barbed wire and machine guns - and I have picked up the tattered bloodstained flag from the fallen in front of me - inexorably moving it forward and maintaining it's honor
And while it's futile - while I cannot hold back the sea - my thumb plugs not the dike - even as my mind and body fail I cry out in their name
For them - my brothers and sisters and fellow travellers on the path
Till my voice is silent and my body cold
For their message - for their names - as witness to their ordeal I speak for them - I walk amongst them - I offer what I have learned
For no other reason. For no other person. In no god's name.
Not for recognition - not for fame - not in search of reward.
I am speaker for the dead - who have gone before me - I will sound the clarion bell for those who can no longer speak.
It's not wondrous - it's not righteous - it's not just and good - it balances no scale...
For me my question is why oh lord have you forsaken them - my prayer is take me in their stead - allow me to carry the burden till it crushes me
The phone does not ring - it has gathered dust - and no calls are answered
Mike0 -
quote:But if you prefer the darkness, that is indeed what you shall receive. As I said, do it yourself has a very long history.
The point is, though, that you do not have to.
The Advent season is coming !
And you have no knowlege of what you portray . Only speculation and a blind faith . You can shine your light into the darkness and only imagine something is there. You have that right, but you have nothing to show me , and no way to know what I will, or will not receive, or what will come.0 -
quote:Originally posted by Barzillia
quote:Originally posted by mrmike08075
That's well and good.
I speak for the voiceless - I speak for the nameless - I speak for my brethren - for the members of a fraternal society no one seeks to join and no offer of membership is extended
My voice cries out for them - I am their flaming beacon in the night - their coastal lighthouse bastion or redoubt standing against the fury of the storm
I am charging the barbed wire and machine guns - and I have picked up the tattered bloodstained flag from the fallen in front of me - inexorably moving it forward and maintaining it's honor
And while it's futile - while I cannot hold back the sea - my thumb plugs not the dike - even as my mind and body fail I cry out in their name
For them - my brothers and sisters and fellow travellers on the path
Till my voice is silent and my body cold
For their message - for their names - as witness to their ordeal I speak for them - I walk amongst them - I offer what I have learned
For no other reason. For no other person. In no god's name.
Not for recognition - not for fame - not in search of reward.
I am speaker for the dead - who have gone before me - I will sound the clarion bell for those who can no longer speak.
It's not wondrous - it's not righteous - it's not just and good - it balances no scale...
For me my question is why oh lord have you forsaken them - my prayer is take me in their stead - allow me to carry the burden till it crushes me
The phone does not ring - it has gathered dust - and no calls are answered
Mike
Would you answer the phone if it were ringing ?
I do not think human suffering is ultimately either an accident, or meaningless.
Why do children suffer? Children that have not even reached an age of accountability?
I have been asked this question many times by agnostics, as well as believers. You have no firm answer,.....any more than I have an answer.0 -
"I do not think human suffering is ultimately either an accident, or meaningless." Barz.
No Barz suffering is caused by injury , either self inflicted or inflicted by something else. It is not meaningless. It means you have been injured. DUHH. God told us how to avoid most suffering.0 -
With hospice there is no need for suicide. It makes things best for family as well. 0
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